Posted by: heart nibbler | October 3, 2009

ANTM Cycle 13 Episode 5: Easy, Breezy, Brutal Headwraps

The reaction the contestants had to Brittany Markert getting Photo of the Week (and immunity, $1,000 from the M Resort Spa Casino and her design sold at Macy’s) more than made up for last week’s lack of anything interesting.



Without further ado I’ll skip the informal CoverGirl product placement makeup lesson and head straight to Mr. and Mrs. Hairy Chest Barker’s new model derby league.

By the way, this derby was sponsored by Wal-Mart, the (laughably improbable) supplier of model basics, flats for Munchkins short models and fine CoverGirl cosmetics.  (As if the episode didn’t tell us 100 times already.)


And why do they always have these dumb Wal-Mart things at night? When K-Mart was the retail store sponsor ANTM was doing walk-offs with merchandise during the day. Fear of the daytime people of Wal-Mart who lurk within its aisles, although this is California?

Never mind, I bet that’s it.


The derby started off with running, which would be one of several ways to improve a shopping experience at Wal-Mart.  It would’ve been even better if there were roller skates involved, but that’s just me.  Yes, even the flats station, where the girls would put flats over their roller skates.


Erin O’Bomber latched onto Hotfudge Sundai and pushed Studio Audience Ashley™.  Sadly, no one fell.


There was a flat shoe station.  Sadly, no one fell off their shoes.

a winner's legacy

The best part: completely missing the MicKey/Teyanasaurus Rex photo…um…thing.  Twice.  Bonus points to Erin O’Bomber for throwing Studio Audience Ashley’s™ photo on the Wal-Mart floor.

sundai morning

All this, and Erin O’Bomber lost to Hotfudge Sundai?  Look, Mr. and Mrs. Hairy Barker, it’s not Erin’s fault she doesn’t have eyebrows anymore.  If you want her to have eyebrows, trim some of Nigel’s hairy chest and put it over her eyes.


the dangers of suffocation

So I was going to have a long, drawn out joke about Tyra and insane asylums but since we know Tyra is crazy, said joke would not have worked.  Following is a list of Tyra’s most questionable statements and actions during her attempt to take incredibly bad pictures of Tyra’s hidden sexual fetish, scarves, also known as “beauty shots,” in a hideous pant suit.

jay and badly preserved ham


This head scarf photo looks like a rejected picture for Tyra’s Twitter icon.  Oh, Tyra, sharing the unnecessary wealth with everyone!

Apparently the wind is now a pimp with an air crack pipe burning hoes when they don’t give him his money.

I don’t know about you, but Tyra sounds like she’s being blinded by Laura here, literally.  I can’t picture the blinding object in my head, though…

(On Jennifer’s posing during the shoot)

This from a woman that thinks the placenta is the same as the uterus.  No, really.

Stop stealing Philosoraptor’s lines, bitch.


(You will note I also didn’t touch Bianca Richardson’s Jesus bits from last week or this week, as I have no opinion on Jesus entering hapless females.  Or, in Laura’s case, Tyra entering hapless females.


(On Kara’s posing during the shoot, or lack thereof)

…DNA, in this case, meaning Dominique’s Near Aspects.  (Or Coryn’s.  Or Jaeda’s…)  DNot  Ask.

That’s impossible, precious.  How would she eat if her Gollums kept eating her food before she could get it in her mouth?

I wanted to end on Tyra’s line to Ashley about “falling short” and all of that, but it’s a bad pun, and this whole cycle has been a bad pun in movement.  So I’ll end it on a very important question.

china chow

Why don’t I remember China Chow on Burn Notice? And I’ve seen every episode so far.


  1. [...] Easy, Breezy, Brutal Headwraps (“Take My Picture, Tyra!”) [...]



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