Before we start today’s recap (and hopefully it isn’t too much like, say, Rich’s or Henry Evil’s), let us pour some Olde E for our fallen homie ShaRoun (and her “The Next Top Model” panties [to quote Dionne: "What the hell?"].)
You see, we have to pour the E in Lauren’s* mouth so it doesn’t soak up in the rug and stink up our NYC lofts, you know.
*Methinks the real Lauren would not do this for the contestants on Cycle 11, but I’m going with the gag anyway.
“The Notorious Fierce 14″ notes
As always, I like to ignore the hot-button issues (human trafficking, “born in the wrong body,” etc.) for less serious issues. If I get serious I get preachy and if I get preachy I will hunt down and tie up Little Man.
The Sci-Fi Channel used to have a show called Who Wants to Be a Superhero? Host Stan Lee would parade 10 people (per its two seasons) crazy enough to wear spandex and pretend they were the goodliest of all superheroes (much to the disdain of, say, Wolverine or the Punisher and their ilk) all throughout Los Angeles-even in the old loft that used to house, ironically enough, the cast of ANTM Cycle 4 (and the casts of The Contender, those Pussycat Dolls shows and Glam God). “The Notorious Fierce 14″ (C11E1) is most likely its intentionally hilarious successor (with a dash of the Player Hater’s Ball skit from Chappelle’s Show to boot). CGI lightning, Tyra-bot, the Star Trek-ish beaming, the scanner that granted or denied the girls access, only to have the text added in post-production-I didn’t think anything could top “Welcome to Top Model Prep” (C10E1, this episode topping the casting cruise from Cycle 9) in terms of sheer cheesiness. It’s official: “The Notorious Fierce 14″ is the best casting episode ever in the history of ANTM.
Personally I think 13 of these girls are not notorious (the exception is Isis, on and off this show) and none of them are fieeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrcccccccccce. But if I believe Tyra was originally an “Eve*” doll who came to life in 2000 by way of Lindsay Lohan’s magic, I’ll let Tyra keep believing what she wants to believe.
*Eve is an alias; Banks’ real name is Zamba Tarka Ishtu Nebarim.
“Top Model Inauguration” notes
1) So this season feels really drama-llama free so far. You have country girls afraid of Isis-look, I’d be freaked out if I never heard of transsexuals until I watched (considering my height, ‘watched’ would be the correct term in this situation) this show too! (But I don’t agree with them thinking Isis shouldn’t be on the show because she was not born a woman.) You have the beautiful rented house (it’s the best house on the show so far with the exception of Cycle 6′s house) destroyed by Tyra’s need to place at least 10 pictures of herself and others in said house. (No wonder why Kim [Cycle 10] won “Most Dramatic Exit” at the Fiercee Awards; I think Tyra thought Joanie was the better representative of Cycle 6 as opposed to the true winner of said award, Jade.) And you have Tyra Banks, desperate to edit in some DRAMAZ. She’s crying by her Mac as we speak; she knows that this cycle might be a repeat of Cycle 7, even with the future “Lesbian* converts a straight girl**” storyline coming up.
*Elina never explicitly said she was a lesbian, but if you kiss girls on ANTM it’s enough for Tyra and Ken Mok to call you a lesbian.
** You can tell there aren’t a lot of GLBT people on staff on ANTM protesting how stereotypical this storyline is.
1.5) I want Elina’s babies. Or she can have mine. Or something like that. Girl is so fucking hot.
2) Oh, dear, God. VIDEO TYRA MAIL THAT MUST BE READ OUT A;SLKJFDH CDHNV
Sorry, my fingers broke down and cried. They wanted to see Stan Lee make the girls say “Excelsior!” and have them run around LA in spandex.
3) The face time thing at that magic place is so much like a challenge in AustBruce Cycle 3. Except 1) more cheap CGI when the magician disappears and 2) whoever comes up with the challenges in the episodes likes to see girls run around and lose their shit. Australia doesn’t have the money and the attitude for cheap CGI, thankyouverymuch.
4) Nigel Barker: loved at New York Fashion Week and is probably a Torchwood character (the way he was ogling Isis’ ass, methinks). Or not: I think his heart dropped when he heard Isis was transgender from J. Alexander.
5) The political photo shoot: Oh, Jay Manuel (or Tyra someone) threw this shoot in because YOU MUST VOTE OBAMA OK THX. I mean, right down to the voting plug at the end of the judging segment. And Jay’s…Canadian. Oy vey.
6) The moral of “Top Model Inauguration:” Don’t say that you are ANTM. Not in front of the judges, at least. Also: Stealing ideas inadvertently (or purposely) from Shear Genius (the digital art that is the photo that is called first = the Allure Wall of Fame, itself probably taken from the winning dresses on display in the designers’ workrooms of Project Runway) is a smart idea.
- Whitney Thompson’s My Life as a (Contractually Bound) CoverGirl segments aren’t that bad. They’re shot in a cinematic style as opposed to the “ooh, look what I do now!” segments that littered, well, every cycle that has had a My Life as a (Contractually Bound) CoverGirl segment up until now. She actually shills product quite well!
- I don’t want Isis to win only because Tyra saw her and was like “I need her on my show” last cycle. Isis is more in the Saleisha mold than the girl that looks like Saleisha (at least in terms of Really Bad Hair cuts), Nikeysha. Meanwhile, I cannot get past Lauren Brie’s forehead. (Does this mean if the show keeps calling Lauren “Lauren Brie,” the infinitely better and cooler Lauren Utter will show up this cycle?…Nah.)
- I think at least $5000 of this cycle’s budget went towards J. Alexander’s countdown chains.
- And who do I think will win? Judging by the highlighted “yellow fever” (her words, not mine) quote at the end of “The Notorious Fierce 14,” Sheila. Tyra has not had an Asian model “go to the a-broad location” since, I think, April (Cycle 2). If Tyra can shock us with Whitney she might do it with Sheila damn it!