Posted by: heart nibbler | June 16, 2008

The Next Food Network Star: The Return of T-Unit

You too can shill products for cash on the side if you win this show!

When last we left Aminal Food Lauren flipped off Fatima over coffee and Secret deodorant and Little Man disapproved of Kevin’s “romance” and we’re well on our way to finding the next Amy Finley.

(Updated with comments from the judges’ blog.)

The first 10 minutes were recapped earlier last week. I read The Professional Bar & Beverage Manager’s Handbook instead. Any notes to add?
• People get hurt when Garza cries, sry2say.
• And there was no house-building on Design Star. :(

Sadly a new season of Poochie Visits Restaurants I Will Never Eat In will begin soon. Oh boy!

Bobby intros the second challenge with some spiel that I just can’t believe. Giada’s spice/olive oil/vinegar line for Crate & Barrel (that I still haven’t bought yet), Paula’s stuff for specialty food stores/QVC, Emeril’s everything that Martha has a stake in now (probably why she’s in this challenge)…this is a way for viewers to bring “a piece of [the FN stars] home?” Really? I thought it was to make money because FN shows don’t pay that much!

And now, the challenge: Make food samples for 50 food buyers and Martha in a jar. It’s served on food to test.

Nipa grabs too many spices, so much that Aaron is fucked when he wants to make his own packaged product.

Shane makes “Cherri-gac.” The hell?

When will Nipa stop using all these damn hot spices? All Indian food can’t be that damn spicy now.

30 minutes to prep for the purveors…but the labels suck. They cost, like, $10 to make at FedEx-Kinko’s. Or $2 at Pop Copy.

In summary, Nipa and Jeffrey make their spices too damn easy to make. T-Unit, on the other hand, made a Paloma pavlova and it went over well with the buyers. The buyers wanted their Steph a little bit saltier but the pavlova was the talk of Studio A.

Preparing the pavlova and the Steph

The finished product

Jordan is very, very pleased.

Then Martha arrives.

Martha bravely goes around and samples the packaged products.

Shane doesn’t salt his cherry-thing…

Nipa doesn’t have peanut in her spice (durr…). She also sounds delusional…


Lisa worships God Martha? And flatters her? And visited farms…in Iowa?

PIGTAILS says some stuff and stuff with the stuff…

Aaron gets that Martha Stewart seal of approval…

Whitney is still annoying…and slips up…yay for culinary school!

Adam can’t sing and/or play harmonica but promotes his “Adam K G’s ‘Smoke It Please’ BBQ Spice Rub” well (that name just screams Rock Star Food Product, doesn’t it?)…

Martha prefers Lisa, Adam and Aaron and finds Whitney annoying as well (praise Dominique)…

Apparently Sunny Anderson, the woman who was once reduced to doing lame seasonal gift specials on FN, is becoming the new “it” girl with two shows. (I can’t find a webpage for it on FN’s site, however.)  The show, however, seems like a rehash of Follow that Food. Here’s hoping her new show isn’t going to be, like, $40 a Day, Rachael Ray’s Tasty Travels, Giada’s Weekend Getaways, Poochie’s other show…I’m missing a few shows here, I know it…

So it’s time for me to berate the judges. Let’s read on.

Little Man sees no “passion” in Shane. Shane does not give a fuck. Katarzyna and Mollie Sue rushed over by his side to console him as he was rewarded with the Charles Atlas Seal of Approval.

On PIGTAILS’ potato pizza-thing: I don’t think the judges understand that carbs get fatty when you put other stuff on top of it. A baked potato by itself is not fatty. A mashed potato with all the works is fatty because you put butter and cheese and sour cream and bacon and whatever on top of it.

Lisa gets verklempt over meeting God. This means our cry count is up to four. Maybe it’s five. I forget that Whitney exists some times. But I think it’s four.

The judges are like “WE DON’T KNOW YOU” to Aaron. Jodhi then said that there was no T-Unit, that there was only a J-Unit and it was her house and her show and everyone in the Carriage House was like “what?” And judging continued.

On Whitney’s gratin, yet again: It’s not that the gratin wasn’t cooked, it was too thick. I must be alone in this opinion.

Our winners are T-Unit and Adam (for the potato…meanwhile, foodies cried all across America) and Lisa (for the product) and Aaron (for the Martha Stewart seal of approval).

And our cry count is officially five with Whitney in this segment. And sadly she stays to annoy the shit out of me for another episode. The remaining cast is like “Whitney, you’re not annoying!” I think they meant to say that she was annoying, but whatever.

For reasons that I do not understand Jeffrey is cut. (Then again I never know why Susie Whatchamacallit and Little Man cut people, and I think they’re the worst at cutting people for a reality show. I think it’s that false air of superiority that they create around this show with the ‘selection committee’ and ‘culinary POV’ bullshit, but that’s just me.) I don’t even know why PIGTAILS was bottom two. And so this show is one step closer to finding an Amy Finley to yank off the air after six episodes.

Meanwhile on HGTV Kim Myles actually has a show worth watching and HGTV is pimping it out as much as they can. Le sigh.

Next: shucking oysters with Tyler Florence and LISA FALLS ON THE FUCKING BOAT AND IT WILL BE SO AWESOME. And personally I know that shucking oysters is a bitch but the judges will be like OMG YOU SHOULD KNOW HOW TO DO THIS.

:P :P :P

Postscript: Little Man and Whatchamacalit speak. Not as epic as Father Sarducci speaking but whatever.

On Jeffrey Little Man says:

It’s sad to see contestants you like not being able to deliver. Jeffrey has seemed nervous, tense and flat. In person, he exudes elegance, warmth and a sophisticated humor. But he just couldn’t bring that to life in front of the camera. His potato presentation seems impersonal. His inability to open up, to connect his food with his life and personality, is leaving us with just a cooking instructor, not a star.

Little Man, I want a cooking instructor, not a Rachael Ray!

And, ladies, gentlemen, Two Faces of God, this is the kicker.

And for Martha he made (Ed. note: He actually went to the factory to make this?) salt. Salt. Hard to get excited about.

Saint Giada “made” salt.  Sure, it’s sea salt.  But I’ve seen larger containers of sea salt direct from Italy for less than Giada’s at Crate & Barrel.  That said I’d still consider buying it…but not before her olive oil or balsamic vinegar that I know I would be able to use now in my life.

Whatchamacallit on Whitney:

I’m getting a lot of grief for saying “annoying,” that [Whitney] was annoying in the evaluation room (Ed. Note–read: set where judging takes place) and i just wanted to say that I am a huge fan of this young woman.  I…honestly believe that the world is a better place because of people like her.  I think she’s exceptional and such a doll.

That’s only because Whitney has fanbois/grrls that keep voting her for “fan favorite” on FN’s website.  Which is why Lisa and I won’t win anything on the finale.


  1. [...] on Aaron and K-The dish was flavorful, it just wasn’t cock.  Au vin.  K’s polenta was nastay (Another good typo!).  And finally the judges realize that K’S FOOD IS NOT EDIBLE.  DUH.  DUH.  DUH.  And watch me go to the judges’ blog and read people shocked to hear about K’s food not being edible.  (You can see why I don’t read blogs about Food Network anymore.)  While Aaron is lacking personality.  Okay.  Charles Atlas Seal of Approval Time! [...]

  2. [...] I love how she looks like Analeigh and Jordan Loukas’ love [...]

  3. [...] I love how she looks like Analeigh and Jordan Loukas’ love [...]



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