So I set up Posterious to autopost to hearts for dinner, but that didn’t work out too well with the cuts I wanted to add for your eyes (especially if you’re on a mobile device viewing this like I am). Instead I’ll link you to the “Vice-style” Cycle 13 clip show recap. The photos are here: http://heartsfordinner.posterous.com/antm-cycle-13-revealed. The text to that post is here: http://heartsfordinner.posterous.com/the-revised-vice-captions-for-the-post-below. I promise I’ll clean up the reviews on WordPress and add better quality photos when my computer is fixed, starting with that “Dive Deeper” recap I meant to post about two weeks ago.

RD here, texting a recap on her phone and pretending she’s Gossip Girl for ANTM, only snarkier.

Now cut for your spoiler-free pleasure.

Spotted:
Ann Shoket. Too much Ann Shoket. Gilles Bensimon. Teyona. Eddie Murphy (no, really). And the final two Munchkins, Laura and Nicole Fox.

After a time-wasting sequence that took nearly two and a half minutes away from my life I could’ve used watching Modern Family, the Last Munchkins Standing prepared for their CoverGirl commercials, held in some weird Hawaiian version of the Twilight forest minus those bad-acting sparkly vampires. Teyonasaurus Rex also appeared from the forest after her brief hibernation between her last useless appearance on this show and the finale. Nigel also appeared to ruin the CoverGirl shoot with his massive chest hair. Speaking of: it was headshots and stumbled lines as usual. The only odd thing about the shoot: Jay’s green coat (jacket?). Which was green. And had a popped collar. And this is in Hawaii in late spring. I’m lost.

Ann Shoket showed up. I blanked out. The next thing I saw was the long-lost Gilles Bensimon photographing the Last Munchkins standing.

Tyra shows up at the house for one-on-ones with the Munchkins, which was already done on this past season of Britain’s Next Top Model, but because Tyra did it on this cycle, it was her idea first and she was the only person ever to do this.

At the runway show J and Jay decide to let the home audience know there are decoys in every season of America’s Next Top Model, only this season they didn’t bother hiding the ejected Munchkins with the other hired models so said Munchkins could have a water orgy on the runway. Yes, it’s cleaner than last cycle’s “mud” orgy (sans ridiculous glitter) and just as awfully yet hilariously bad. Also Bria Murphy, daughter of Eddie Murphy, was there. This is not remotely important, but she was there. Deal with it.

In addition to a water orgy, Ann Shoket, Eddie Murphy’s daughter and Teyonasaurus Rex showing up at the runway show, there was also a sequence where the runway models had to rip off a piece of fabric while walking towards a fan/wind machine, but sadly for them the legendary Haus of GaGa did fabric-wrapping better for the VMAs and the cover of the “Bad Romance” single. And Lady GaGa does not carry a wind machine around like Mariah Carey would.

After the atypical photo comparison and CoverGirl commercial was revealed (this cycle’s commercial was better than most, but still bad), Nicole Fox was announced as the winner. She did something cheesy after she won, which is attached below. Laura’s breakdown was really heartbreaking to watch, but I don’t like heartbreaking or winners’ portfolios, so you get Nicole Fox looking cheesy.

I promise updated recaps when my computer is out of the shop,

XOXO

RD

10 things I learned about Cycle 13 by watching Tyra’s fan favorite semi-reunion fuckery, in which Rachel won a modeling contract and Sundai randomly appeared for no real reason:

1) Accused of being a racist because you don’t know how to pick up a book and read up on the history of Hawaii before you do a photo shoot? Completely ignore the arguement, and, in a strong, resounding voice, talk of your desire to fight racism and colorism. The audience will eat it up!
2) It is only after the contestants leave ANTM: Munchkinland they get to wear heels.
3) In addition to nudity and horses Laura likes mud. So I fully expect her to pose nude on a horse in mud in the future.
4) Jennifer can eat nearly half a pizza in 30 seconds, which is five minutes in Tyraland.
5) According to Jennifer’s boyfriend Brian, Jennifer is “Metaphorically…the runt of the litter.” Funny, I thought that was Sundai.
6) Nicole Fox can kill Tyra with her bare arms.
7) Nicole Fox’s fifth-grade teacher is delighted Nicole is reality show famous. So delighted, in fact, she’s kept a drawing Nicole made for her to show us that she knew Nicole would be (reality show) famous. Okay then.
8. (Sorry I had to change the numbering–the 8 was turning into a cool smiley face.) Erin Wagner is from a small town. It’s so small Erin has to make the corn in her local corn maze high fashion. I don’t know exactly how you make corn high fashion so good luck with that.
9) Tyra thinks Jessica “absolutely favorite” White is dating Sean Penn. I didn’t realize I was watching Tyra Banks’s Access Tyra on the CW.
10) Wanda Sue (Laura’s infamous grandmother) should make Tyra’s dresses from now on, since Wanda Sue’s dresses are much better than Tyra’s during ANTM judging. Or those horrid pantsuits. DEAR GOD THOSE PANTSUITS.

Wanda Sue’s dresses are in this post, but the full gallery of this hot mess can be seen at http://heartsfordinner.posterous.com/the-tyra-show-antm-fan-favorite (or, go up to the corresponding post at this blog above my finale recap! But I promise when I get my computer back I’ll sort this out. Sorry, guise, once again.)

Oh, and check out http://heartsfordinner.posterous.com/team-blair to see who I wanted to win ANTM Fan Favorite.

RD here, texting a recap on her phone and pretending she’s Gossip Girl for ANTM, only snarkier.

Spotted:

It’s down to the final four, and sadly, it’s not college basketball and it’s not April. Too bad. Fighting Munchkins doesn’t nearly have the same ring as fighting mascots.

Before we start, two things need to be mentioned before we continue: there is a double elimination (Jay was wearing a scissor shirt to commemorate the occasion, so it must be true) and Ann Shoket was in this episode. Too bad we couldn’t eliminate Shoket twice and have the Lullaby League battle it out in a four-for-all.

It’s Local Dance Time, where usually average-sized models learn a dance that’s applicable to the country they are visiting, such as flamenco or salsa. This time it’s the odd combination of hip-hop dance and hula, probably chosen because it was easy for the Munchkins. However, “easy” for most people translates to “hard” for our Munchkins, and the Lullaby League stumbles through their dances in the challenge. Laura wins this challenge and gets five days in a Maui Four Seasons with Jennifer, probably given to her because of the lack of known designers and a fashion week in Maui. Oh, well, we all can’t model in Amsterdam Fashion Week, can we?

This week’s photo shoot was held on a beach. It was supposedly inspired by Pele, but I’m skeptical since Pele lives on a volcanic crater on Kauai. It looks like a warm-weather variation of Britain’s Next Top Model’s Nordic Queens shoot. If anything, the Lullaby League should’ve been bathing in lava and standing in volcanic ash to mimic the goddess, even if our Munchkins died in the process.

Nicole comes out top with the most decent of a bad crop of photos and Laura, wearing her grandmother’s attempts at making couture (it’s like watching a bad singer making final auditions on American Idol) joins her in the final two because, per Tyra, Laura looked like Rachel Hunter in the photo, and Tyra likes girls that look like models the fashion industry no longer uses as clothes hangers for their fashions. Jennifer and the Least Favorite Munchkin of the Now, Erin, went to a hotel to prepare to become decoys for next week’s finally. (Not a typo.)

I leave you with the Lullabye League.

They wish to welcome you to Munchkinland,

xoxo

RD

RD here, texting a recap on her phone and pretending she’s Gossip Girl for ANTM, only snarkier.

Spotted:

So we’re down to the final five, as the contestants repeat 10,000 times. After they get back to their Maui home in their “Eco-friendly” bus, a wrong guess about the Tyrant Mail is made by Laura speculating the Munchkins are going to be “sea turtles.” Sadly “sea turtles” would be better than most of their Hawaii-themed shoots thus far. Oh, did I mention that it’s Laura’s birthday? This is very important, according to Tyra, as we see Laura eating Spam, watching Erin make cupcakes for her, wearing a bra blindfold for a birthday buffet…This is very important stuff, people!

Despite being a decent judge at panel, Marisa Miller humiliates the Munchkins by making them jump in the surf and roll in the sand while on her faux Cleopatra power trip. Sadly, several of our Munchkins think they can be Victoria’s Secret Angels like her. Sorry, Munchkins, Angel wings weigh twice as much as you do–you’d never get off the ground.

The Munchkins are forced to wash the sand off their bodies and then jump off a cliff while looking “fierce” and “SMIZing.” This whole segment, along with the presence of Nigel Barker, is painful like Sundai’s eventual water-caused earache, so I’ll move on…

to another painful segment not shot on Laura’s birthday, Russell James’s underwater shoot. None of the pictures from this shoot were good. NONE. And Russell James is a decent photographer, as evidenced by his Cycle 11 swimshoot photos and his AustNTM Cycle 5 shoot in the desert. You know who I blame? That jealous bastard Nigel Barker. You know he intentionally wanted to ruin Russell’s shoot by making him shoot underwater in bad conditions so his awful CoverGirl commercial shoot would look better in comparison.

Much to the chagrin of the viewing audience, Tyra wore a blouse only a drunk, insane Hera would wear on Olympus. Much to the chagrin of the Munchkins, though, their least favorite Munchkin of the now, Erin, is not kicked off for the home audience’s least favorite Munchkin of the now, Sundai.

I leave you with Laura being shell-shocked by the smell of her bikini blindfold.

You know they’re Munchkins,

xoxo

RD

I won’t be able to post this week’s recap or, possibly, next week’s or the finale.  At least a non-text only version, which I may do.  After getting a DVR recorder and having no less than two flash drives on a 2+ year old computer, you’d think I would back up my work.  I didn’t.  And now, we all suffer.

Unlike my last computer hiccup, where the computer was okay, it just needed to manually have the dust removed and a new keyboard (I pulled the keys off because I was paranoid of the computer having water in it when it didn’t), this time the monitor is coming up dim, which either means something in the monitor is broken or the motherboard is dying.  In that case, thank goodness I backed up my music I bought from iTunes and wherever.  So I may see you later this evening once I charge up my iPhone and fire up my WordPress app?  Maybe?  I’ll try to make the recap less than 500 words and have a picture attached.

I apologize if I don’t have any non-ANTM posts ready in advance because I’m working on NaNoWriMo.  Again.  But I’ve decided to forgo the founder’s advice on writing a novel (i.e. the following:

You will also, however, write some flagrantly nonsensical chapters, create pages and pages of dialogue that make you cry (in a bad way), and endure a few shameful days where the only thing keeping your word-count afloat is the fact that your protagonist has a habit of reading the dictionary aloud whenever she gets nervous. And she’s always nervous.

This is totally fine.

No, this is not.  If a character is reading the dictionary aloud in your novel and you didn’t have a plan to begin with, your novel will suck.  Point blank.)

I’ve got some ideas I’ll work on for some non-ANTM posts: a thing I wanted to talk about on Halloween, but I didn’t have it put together and some of Weezer’s weirdest collaborations (Muppets, Hugh Hefner & the Playboy Mansion, Leighton Meester), some other things.  If there are weeks that the only things you see on this blog are ANTM posts, I’m busy doing other things (which may or may not be my novel, which I hope will be salvageable because I’m listening to myself and not some word-count obsessed PTB.  And speaking of Meester, well, maybe I should apologize to Blair Waldorf, because the swooning thing is not exclusive to Gossip Girl; it’s in Meester’s new music video for “Somebody to Love” (with Robin Thicke, to premiere on the CW’s Gossip Girl music page after next week’s threesome episode of Gossip Girl).

Other than this video of Meester fighting over Tamagotchis, I have not seen anything not-Gossip Girl related with Meester in it, so I don’t know how long she has done the Meester Swoon™.  So am I to assume every time Meester swoons, she gets an orgasm?  I certainly hope she does, because it’ll be a small condolence to my worried soul.

First things first:  This whole “biracial Hawaiian” (yes, I know the term Tyra used, but I don’t want to use it on my blog) shoot was Tyra being Tyra.  First, there was the sepia and black and white tones in the pictures.

She can’t ever take a good color picture.  Ever.  No, the picture of Sundai does not count because it is not taken in good color.

Then there is Tyra’s concept of race, ethnicity and nationality in general, since she loves trolling people on her talk show about the issue.  Take, for example, Erin, who was supposed to portray a biracial Hawaiian (well, Hawaiian in Tyra-land) with parents originally from Tibet and Egypt.  Or, in Tyra-speak, Tibetan (“like the Dalai Lama”) and…

Egyptian.  Like Katarzyna-Egyptian.

This is what Tyra thinks of when she thinks of Egyptians:

Complete with “sweet and sour” “eyeballs” and “white” pumpkin cakes!

And don’t get Tyra started on her other multi-ethnic “Hawaiians” (see first .gif).

Oh, and Jay:

Like you’ve been to Tibet.  I bet you didn’t even know parts of Tibet are technically a part of China. Ugh, I tire of Tyra’s and your ignorance.  See the figurative door?

Blair Waldorf quote taken out of context is appropriate.

And now, everything else in this episode that was not a hot-button issue.

Usually when a house is condemned wood blocks the windows and doors and there is a notice on the front door of the house.  It does not look like a Disney Princess Condemned House Party.

Have you considered the Munchkins might’ve run out of time to clean the skillet before judging?  Oh, that’s right, you’re Tyra Banks and everything you say is right.  My bad.

Touché.

Tyra interrupted her Disney Princess Condemned House Party with an Overseas Location Reveal on Cocaine™ in the backyard.  Only this time the word “overseas” has been replaced with the word “domestic.”

I said you are just flying a few time zones away to Hawaii!

And I thought the Britain’s Next Top Model girls were crazy when they flew to Buenos Aires.

Also, Tyra: Pantsuits are a no.  Not for this show, not for your talk show, not for life.  Stop wearing them.

Bitch, this is the first Top Model house you’ve stepped in since Cycle 7.  Shut up.

***

and now, a Laura segment

Laura Said Something Cute #5

Speaking of, the surfing was painful.  Moving on.

Laura Said Something Cute #6

Someone didn’t tell Laura one application is never enough for sunscreen.  (And applying 40 SPF sunscreen twice in one application does not make it 80 SPF.)  Either that or someone switched her sunscreen with tasty, tasty butter, which is very cruel.

You know, Laura, roast pig is a Hawaiian specialty…but it’s roasted over a fire, not in a skillet, so you may want to rethink the way you prepare yourself for serving.

And now, the most offensive part of this episode:  Nigel’s chest hair, which has been censored by Blair’s face.

Bitchy girls be careful: You may find yourself choking on chest hairs instead of cake.  (I’m sorry, Leighton.  Again.)

The last time we saw Blair Waldorf on this blog she was complaining to Chuck Bass about how lame the CW has gotten. The last time Blair did anything important in her Gossip Girl storyline, though, she was playing her “woman scorned” bit where she makes other people feel bad for cheating with Chuck Bass.  (Why?  So she could give a toast at a freshman dinner at NYU.)  She also swoons funny when she’s around people like Chuck.

You may have heard of this on other blogs, but, um, Chuck was “cheating” on her with a guy.  Blair seemed to get into it a bit too much.

Also she swooned again.

I think she’s secretly a yaoi writer.

In this episode Blair revealed her freakiness goes beyond watching two guys kiss.

I think she’s secretly a yaoi writer that likes girls kissing girls.

Anyway, the main plot of this episode revolved around Chuck trying to open his new club, Gimlet (wonderful cocktail, bad name for a club) on Halloween, way earlier than he expected.  The subplots included Jenny Humphrey balancing her brother & guy friend and her status as Queen Bee and Dan Humphrey discovering Olivia was in a rip-off of Twilight complete with RPattz soundalike Patrick Roberts. And all these plots meet with a 1920s speakeasy metaphor that’s not as expertly done as the metaphors running through “The Gypsy and the Hobo.”

After those cool KISS pumpkins near the show’s opening the episode fell flat.  Minus the Jenny Humphrey subplot (spoiler alert: Taylor Momsen wears less makeup on this show than in real life) here’s the rest of the episode in a nutshell.

a) Blair, nearly being eaten alive by her bowties, tries to convince Chuck to open his club earlier.

(The Leighton Meester photo was taken from Go Fug Yourself, in case photographers want me to take down the above image.)

b) Olivia is caught looking like Hilary Duff on Gossip Girl’s blog/text thing and the blog of some guy who wants to use his blog as a springboard to the D-list.

I don’t think anyone on ONTD, let alone the world, cares about Hilary Duff anymore so I’ll move on.

c) Dan watches This Ain’t Twilight XXX.

d) Chuck’s liquor license is approved with the help of Blair and Jack Bass, who is trying to set Chuck up.

e) the highpoint of this episode past the KISS pumpkins

TRUTH.

f) After Chuck (despite what Blair thinks—it was her idea too!) calls the police on his own club after realizing the license was fake, the two celebrate in their weird way.

Yeah, there was another mention of that guy using his blog to get on the D-list.  I really wish the Gossip Girl people wouldn’t bend backwards to appease him.

Meester.

I know I complain about (ANTM) cycles a lot, but this was a clever highlight in what otherwise was a trip through Batman’s Rogues Gallery:

This is the only kudos the editors get this season.

It’s Lara Spencer and ANT! The former is a “journalist” on The Insider who had a star turn on ANTM interviewing Lauren Utter…

the latter a comedian who was on a tainted season of Last Comic Standing and who frequently appears on VH1 doing Celebrity Fit Club or D-list commentary shows.  The two do an unfunny bit about “jinxing” his “talk show” and Mario Cantone. Clearly the models thought this performance was hilarious. Look at those winces happy smiles!

The fun continued as ANT pretended to be actors and actresses to hone the Munchkins’ acting skills.  Here’s what he told Nicole Fox!

Okay, Lara, smart-ass, between you, ANT and the Munchkins, does anyone know who Shirley Hemphill is?  ANT certainly doesn’t know, because Hemphill never was in a musical and she died in 1999, not 1997. Also:

Apparently Nicole is a black woman.  Here’s your ghetto pass, Nicole.

You’re welcome.

***

I’ve accepted the fact that death, taxes and Ann Shoket and her stupid fashion/beauty “stories” (why can’t she call them “Fashion Spreads Filled with Crap I Would Never Buy Even If I Was 15?”) will always be present in my life.

***

A tabloid television show.

A camera and a malfunctioning TelePrompTer.    Where have I seen this before?

The only difference is She’s Got the Look didn’t have Jessica Lowndes and a magazine editor critiquing television interviews. Then again, Ann doesn’t want to be her predecessor, rallying up girls as Alpha Kitty on MySpace for…I don’t know, &heart; hearts and CoMmEnTs WiT BaD GrAmMeR?  Ann might need a job if she gets fired!

***

Teyonasaurus Rex showed up for the required winner’s cameo before the CoverGirl commercials.  And by “cameo” I mean “walking billboard for CoverGirl.”

Instead of shilling CoverGirl (like I’ll ever buy it), you should’ve baked a cake. God knows the Munchkins were probably hungry.  Laura probably was.

***

The Fug Girls nailed how worthless Kim Kardashian is as a judge (despite what Laura thinks) in their recent blog post for the New York Magazine blog The Cut:

Kim Kardashian can apply makeup, yes, and delivered a very touching performance on her sex tape; however, considering that she couldn’t even convinced us she was surprised when that hit the internet, we can hardly trust her evaluation of performances in CoverGirl commercials.

Personally I was not wowed by her performance on her sex tape, but that’s me.  I was more impressed with the performance of Ray-J’s neither regions.

Below is a sampling of whatever Kim said to the contestants, which would only be useful if they decide to do sex tapes and/or and unjustifiably popular reality shows on E!

Brittany Markert’s commercial

But I thought Keeping Up with the Kardashians was partially scripted?  No?  Really?

Nicole Fox’s glasses

“Can I give you a wedgie?”

Rae’s commercial

Note for Rae: Stop using wax lips.  Get some permanent ones STAT.

And, finally, Sundai’s commercial

Bitch, we are selling makeup, not clear contacts. What cycle are you in?  Cycle 1?