heart nibbler’s the next food network star (season 4) timeline

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I did it!  I did it!  I posted the timeline on Dipity!  I’ll update the timeline later with photos and later events, but whatever, it’s up!

I also bring you your two-day advance warning for an Aminal Food marathon.  It starts at 2 PM EST.  I will be leaving Miami on this day and I will be flying trusty JetBlue, but I can’t promise you if I’ll watch.  Like I said eariler, my heart is with The Move…

All rise for this recap’s official theme:

Thank you.  You may now be seated.

We’re back at Chelsea Market.  The contestants are dressed nicely and are nervous.  We go to Little Man now for the most damning statement in the program:

GAME.  SET.  MATCH.  Little Man, your stupidity has outdone itself.

PURE.  COMEDY.  GOLD.

(Side note:

You know you don’t care, right?  Especially when Whatchamacallit already helped choose the winner.)

The contestants have to create a “fully produced” pilot that will be taped on the set on 30 Minute No.

For this show: Yes, the pilot is your demo tape.  Before this show: Giada would be glad to disagree with you since her demo tape was shot at home and consisted of her making a peanut butter sandwich, but, um, yeah.

The pilot will be shown to the eliminated frat, the judges, “members of the food and entertainment press” (yeah, like Food and Wine cares about this show) and some schmoes who thought they were going to a taping of Emeril Live.

This is Gordon Elliott, the guy who produces (at least, the last time I cared about Paula Deen’s shows) Paula’s Home Cooking. He also regrettably used to produce Semi-Homemade.

(I actually was going to use this photo with this photo as a punchline, but this picture of him on Wikipedia has more emotional impact, you know?)

The frat has to come up with a pitch for Elliott and Food Network.

This is Lisa’s “show and tell*” setup.

“*Show and tell” also includes the ripping of plastic off of products with teeth.

The first pitch (yes, she has three) is her “Beautiful Basics” in a box.  These are the “Beautiful Basics.”

“This is ‘Pure and Simple.’”

“And this is…your ‘Fashion Feast…’”

Elliot likes her “Beautiful Basics” box but is lost on what it means.  He wants to make the show “accessible” for anyone who watches 30 Minute No etc. al.  by using simple ingredients to make sophisticated dishes.

Spiritual daughter:

Aaron wants a show about herbs, spices and edumacations.  Elliott wants the name of his show to be “Big Daddy’s Kitchen.”

Elliot likes this title from K:

Apparently he doesn’t watch FX too often. (Link abuses Flash and plays annoying music.)

The show would be viewers sending K recipes for him to reinterpret.  This sounds like a viable idea…but I think Food Network gave the idea to Bobby Flay so he could run with it and that I can ignore it every Sunday.  Oh, yes, and to that Aida woman who was apparently made last Thursday and is appearing in commercials for her new show as of now.  Elliott wants K to talk to viewers over the web but warns K to not ignore the food.

Blah blah blah Lisa in hair and makeup then on 30 Minute No

and she will be demonstrating Black Cod with Dill Zabaglione and Crispy Leeks

and roll film.

Take 1: Lisa freaks out when she sees cards telling her she has a minute and 30 seconds left, respectfully.

She drops her Global knife to move the pan her fish is frying in while holding the herbs.

Elliott is concerned that Lisa isn’t connecting with a mythical home audience.

She finally nails her demo, but we get this lovely sound bite:

Well, you know, Discovery Health may come a-knockin’ if you don’t win, so you’d still win…maybe…  (Link has autostart video.)

Timetoast isn’t really working out for me. I can’t get it to update!  I’m going to try Dipity instead as of tomorrow.  Today I have to create a shitload of forms for The Project from Hell.  I just need to take care of some afternoon things first.  Before I work on the Project, of course.  It’ll be a great way to preserve the series history of Aminal Food since whoever works on the Aminal Food wiki page erases the subsequent year of horrible things happening to good people.

When last we left Aminal Food we got serious.  Hopefully my growing pessimism (no, seriously) will not damper what came after the last 10 minutes.

I know, right?

The second part starts at the Wynn, where Poochie waits.  He tells them that they’ll create a buffet, what real Food Network “Stars” do on a regular basis! The judges, Wynn chefs and “entertainers” will come to this hellish buffet.  Introductory speeches from the active frat during the buffet to follow.  See the wedding challenge, episode 1, last season for more information.  The restrictions: $1000, 6 hrs, Shane, Whitney and PIGTAILS and Whole Foods.  Whatevers.

Aaron says the entertainers need steak.  Le sigh.  Vegetarians: never existing in Beemer!

Lisa rolls over something with her cart that will be revealed later as something she left.

Lisa chooses Whitney as her sous.  K takes Shane.  Aaron has PIGTAILS.

K’s buffet actually seems friendly to all eaters.  So does Lisa’s.  Aaron, however, has forgotten about the vegetarian.

K smokes his chicken, apparently a “big risk.”

Lisa is missing 5 lbs of fish.  She has to stretch that for her monkfish.

Apparently either I or K do not know how to say “Tryst.” And I’m thinking it’s him. (“Trihst?” For real?)  It’s a nightclub in the Wynn that has been tacky-fied for the Food Network.

Poochie does his best Tom Colicchio impersonation in the industrial kitchen.  Poochie, you are not Tom.  The bears will never love you the way they do Tom. Just stop.

Lisa burns her pork.  She cuts the burnt half off at around 10 minutes left.

(Other mishaps that cannot be covered in 1 minute here.)

(Various Vegas performers, drag queens, judges, chefs here.)

(Wish for more drag queens on this show here.)

For buffet introductions Lisa sings…and she’s not bad.  The rest of the introductions go downhill from here.

Aaron does a strange “an eating disorder” bit.  It doesn’t work.  He also berates his audience (that’s my job, thankyouverymuch).  I have the perfect solution: a Speedo! And then you go to the audience, put on some clichéd techno song and do this!

INSTANT.  COMEDY.  GOLD.  Try it!

K YELLS.  This works, I guess, because YELLING PROVOKES A RESPONSE IN PEOPLE!  K also has a smoketacular smoketacular!  Whooo….eh.

(Here is a sequence of frat members serving the Tryst crowd.  This, once again, is not interesting.  So we skip to a general description of the food.)

Lisa’s pork is dry.

Aaron’s food “lacks creativity.”

K has the “best” buffet, according to the Wynn chefs.

Aaron’s food is cluttered.

Overall a lot of people like Adam.  And maybe Lisa.

And, for the last time, we say goodbye to Shane (which we rarely saw thanks to bad editing), Whitney and PIGTAILS (see Shane comment).  That is, until next episode!

Back to Caesar’s for judging.

Aaron-the judges like his promo but hated his buffet performance and his buffet because it lacked variety (the critique: too many pastas.  Yeah, I’m shocked, too, but Little Man =/= foodie).  Poochie wanted a “family story.”  Like family stories sell television shows…unless you’re The Amazing Race, and The Amazing Race practically earned its Emmys with “family stories.”

Lisa-the judges feel her lack her confidence in the promo but liked her buffet performance and setup.  The pork was inconsistent.

K-Apparently there was his sense of humor in the promo.  Meanwhile the judges thought his buffet performance was boring.  The judges like his DO NOT WANT food.  His pork dish is the best.  (I sense winner’s edit, for real.  Ever since last week, but I never said that.)

America, your winner will be in the “final episode” and “revealed” later.  Apparently next week the new show will air and if your winner flees like Amy did last season, I think we may have put a stake in Little Man’s little heart.

Next week, I have to see that fucking 30 Minute Meals set again?

Side note: I’m going to North Carolina next week, so the recap for the final will be late, we’ll say…next Wednesday, I guess.  But I’ll see about getting the review up Monday instead.  (It’ll be in the afternoon, so be patient.)  I will also review the first episode of the winner’s new show.  If I can help cancel another Food Network show I will consider it my good deed of the year.  Speaking of…I’d like to cancel at least Semi-Homemade Cooking with Sandra Lee. Thanks in advance, Food Network!

Also, for no apparent reason at all, let’s close with “Miss Honey” because I like that song.  (I found this via Crunk and Disorderly, so credit Fresh for this video.)

After the jump, since it contains instances of nurples (”nurples” courtesy of subnoose on LJ via the post I will link to later in the post).

1) I heard this cover of Rose Royce’s “Wishing on a Star” after I put up the last post (the covers post).  I think this is the version I heard at Chipotle Mexican Grill:

BTW, their burritos are nicer than Qdoba’s. Hopefully I’ll also try out Lime Grill before I leave, but I can’t make any promises.  (Lime Grill link has annoying music.)

2) Dominique Reighard, spiritual daughter of Lisa Garza who IRL was last seen talking about a move from her native Columbus to Los Angeles because of the weather, was photographed by Derek Blanks recently.  Here is a sample of what she did:

Okay, okay, here’s the picture without “nurples” written all over the nurples!

Mmm, chocolate nurples.

But in all seriousness, I really do like these shots.  I often think of her as a female Edgar from King Lear: a girl who looked like a model way before she appeared on Top Model…

(Photo taken from TWOP, and I have no idea where the person who posted this got this photo.)

was villanized on the show, very much like when Edmund, Edgar’s half-brother, blackmailed Edgar…

(Photo taken from fourfour. Context: From a Farmer Wants a Wife commercial.  “If you love to hate Dominique on America’s Next Top Model, you’ll love to hate Josie on Farmer Wants a Wife.“  Or something like that.)

despite her best intentions…

looked disheveled during her run in THE COMPETITION (since reality TV cast members love that word competition so much), very much like when Edgar became Tom O’ Bedlam…

(Photo source.)

and went back to looking great and taking photos afterward, very much like when Edgar becomes the new Earl of Gloucester after his father dies and he kills Edmund.

Short story long, although I saw the pictures in this LiveJournal post, I think the photographs were ganked from All ANTM and put on Facebook. Dom’s shots with Blanks start on page 3 of her test shot gallery, since, as I said, she’s been modeling for a while, albeit in a Jade-like limbo.

2.5) Off-topic, but every time I think “Edmund from King Lear,” I think of “guy with a great penis” because I used to work for a theater company and I had to see an interpretation where in Act I Edmund is taking a shower and he is naked (for artistic reasons, but still).

2.75) To be fair to my other favorite girl from last cycle, Fatima was signed with New York Model Management (nym2 division).  Back on topic…

3) I got bored.  Here’s a timeline on Timetoast of the goings-on of Aminal Food (put into pessimistic English for anyone who doesn’t read this blog first).  I’ll update whenever I can with the final two episodes.

After the jump, my favorite cover-versions of songs that will probably shock the hell out anyone who doesn’t read the ANTM and/or Animal Food stuff I post.

Nina Gordon, “Straight Outta Compton” (originally done by NWA)

A former theater director I worked with turned me on to this song.  I have nothing else to add.

Ben Folds, “Bitches Ain’t Shit” (originally done by Dr. Dre and a shit load of people)

What is up with white people and NWA?  Whatever, I still own this song on my computer.

Alanis Morrisette, “My Humps” (originally done by the Black-Eyed Peas)

It’s an improvement over the annoying original.

Paul Anka, “It’s My Life” (originally done by Bon Jovi)

It’s amazing how many songs So You Think You Can Dance can turn you on to.  This is one of them.  Also: this song is better than the original.

Off-topic, but I can’t believe that my best friend presented herself as cool in high school and liked this band.  Okay, back on-topic.

Palast Orchester mit Max Raabe, “Just A Gigalo” (originally done by Louis Prima)

This is the German version; there’s also an English verison, and the best way to hear it is to listen to [shameless plug] the Clockwork Caberet podcast (specifically Episode 24: Happy Birthday, Nikola Tesla!), which is a podcast that caters to a steampunk asthetic, but whatever.  It’s still a great ecclectic mix of songs.  And the show is broadcast in Carrboro, near where I used to go to school at.[/shameless plug]

Not a remake, just an excuse to talk about how awesome this song is: The Egyptian Lover, “Egypt, Egypt”

If you saw So You Think You Can Dance last night, you’ll remember that this was the song Comfort (The Dancer That Cannot Die) danced to in her “okay, we changed the format of the show this year, so this is a time-filling performance now” solo.  Hey, I didn’t think she knew about this song!

1. The rest of this post will talk about Aminal Food, but I wanted to talk about my little conspiracy theories again (because I love it).  Usually when Project Runway airs it is given the 10 PM (EST) slot on Wednesday evenings.  At least for right now it’s been relegated to the 9 PM slot while Shear Genius is airing at 10.  Bravo’s even started a texting contest for Shear Genius that it would usually only reserve for Project Runway and Top Chef, maybe because Shear Genius is produced by Reveille and Project Runway is produced by Magicial Elves/The Weinstein Corp./Heidi Klum. I think it’s partly me, but is Bravo trying to kill Projecr Runway before it lives a new life on Lifetime (Lifetime?!?!).  Eh, I think it’s me.
2. Someone at food network addict said they saw K looking down somewhere in some promo and said person assumed K won NFNS.  I would’ve posted this earlier, but you try finishing up a project before 4 PM so you can have it printed out the next day, okay?  I say: Yes, the editing is bad.  No, the promo does not spoil who wins NFNS.  What it does spoil are:

• the commercials (see the last post)
• the fact that the judges will be in a sleazy Vegas dining room and that the contestants must introduce their food in front of the judges
• this is the part that kills me since I remember these awful things in last year’s debacle-the contestants have to wear those ugly gray-and-green Food Network chef’s jackets.

It does not spoil the fact that Whitney, PIGTAILS and I assume Shane (right?) come back on the show to help the contestants-that was already given away at the end of last night’s episode.

3. Before working on this project from hell, I created this.  I touched it up in Photoshop Elements yesterday.  Enjoy and feel free to blacklist me.

You like it big, don’t you?

4.  I honestly do not think Whitney could hold her own on any cooking show, but since people whined about her elimination, this happened:

You people kill me.

5. Via julieculley.com, Lisa Garza at an Austin Whole Foods performing a demo and posing with babies.

6. In addition to Lisa actually being on Facebook (as opposed to the contestants having their own Facebook fan pages), K and Whitney are on Facebook as well.  (Search Adam Gertler and Kelsey Nixon, not K and Whitney, thanks.)  Feel free to add them if you wish, but if you’re not accepted as a friend, don’t take it personally-they may not want random weirdoes in their network.  That is all.

7.  Congratulations Whitney!…I think.

(This portion of the show has been omitted because if you find people getting dressed and wearing bath robes exciting, you must be Jon Arbuckle or something.  We begin at the Venetian, surprisingly, where our frat gets out of a van.)

Kids, let’s sing along!

Blue streak speeds by

Sonic the Hedgehog!

Too fast for the naked eye

Sonic the Hedgehog!

Etc.

Very much like a certain American reality show I frequently mention in my reviews, the contestants have to perform a 30 second promo (Poochie: “that we’ve [You mean the writers?  Because I wouldn't trust you to write my obituary at my funeral.-Ed.] written for you”) for their future shows (”future shows”).  The locations are all over Beemer (read: the Strip, and the following will seem as superficial as when Food Network tapes in South Beach and calls it “Miami”).  Bobby and/or Poochie will direct the remaining frat members.  Oy vey.

Lisa prepares…

to tape in Aureole in Mandalay Bay. Yes, where the Mission: Impossible wine cellar is. Yes, Lisa will officially be a “wine angel.”

That’s what I think he said.

Lisa has to stop on the wine cellar line, say a line to camera, repeat.

Poochie, who calls Lisa “Lise” (I hate when people try to give others “hip” nicknames), notices that she stumbles and violated a certain show’s trademark, but I didn’t say that.  She trips up and says she lost confidence.

She (supposedly) leaves disappointed.  (Bad editing shows us that Poochie says she’s “burnin’ daylight.”  Stop trying to be hip, Poochie.  You’re not.  That’s why your character was killed off on The Simpsons.)

Meanwhile Aaron meets Bobby at the Planet Hollywood hotel.

He walks down a set path where a camera follows him first.  He gets it after (bad editing) two tries.

This part reminds me so much of last year’s Design Star promo.

Food Network: stealing from sister networks since 2008!  Aaron nails his promo.

Meanwhile K goes to Balley’s Jubilee Theater (warning: second link has boobs!  But they’re covered)…

where he meets Poochie and some showgirls and a tuxedo.  They all didn’t just meet at a bar or something?

He also has to do choreography.  Call me when Bobby wears fishnets and feathers on his next promo for Throwdown, okay?  Supposedly K screws up the dialog and the choreography.

As this short first part summary ends, I have come to the conclusion that Poochie is a horrible director.  Bobby is an okay one.  That is, if he was directing Throwdown, but whatever.

When last we left Aminal Food we were left wondering if K would actually wow the judges with something they apparently (read: bad editing) had no questions about, macaroni and cheese with God knows how much cholesterol in it lobster.  We return to Caesar’s Palace, home of really bad actors and Rao’s, where we left off.

This post is brought to you by the weeks-old grassroots Dark Knight campaign at ONTD. Why so serious Food Network?

So tonight Yet Another Neelys Show is set to air, Stealing Road Tested from the Deen Brothers Road Tested with the Neelys. I’ll watch it.  And then I’ll forget about it and reflect on how fucking awesome Secrets of a Restaurant Chef is.

Anyway, Lisa and K are finishing up their dishes and Dayna Devon is in the kitchen with a fucking microphone as if Food Network Stars are cooking with a microphone in a kitchen whenever they’re taping at Chelsea Market.  (Hell, this never happened on The Next Iron Chef, although the contestants were pissed about a German film crew getting all in their cooking in one episode, or Iron Chef America, even.)  The judges are like K, why didn’t you look at her?  Meanwhile, Lisa does manage to look up, albeit crosseyed.

(This part was omitted because it was a repeat of the end of part one, which, in the recap, is somewhere between the “Versus” graphic and the girls jumping on trampolines.  We bring you now to the judging of the dishes.)

K’s mac dish looks ugly presentation-wise, as usual. However the League of Judges like K’s mac and cheese.  Like I predicted.  Meanwhile Lisa’s is “muddier.”  Paula Deen hates it.  Then again she smokes. I heard that smokers only have two tastebuds.  That’s why she loves butter so much–she can’t taste it.

The cassoulet: Ugly plating once again for K.  But The League of Judges like Lisa’s cassoulet.  It’s the best Bobby’s ever had.  K, however, is screwed because he’s never made it before.  Little Man says K’s version is “Johnny’s first cassoulet.”  No, it’s Spot’s first cassoulet. You see Spot run.  Then you see him make cassoulet.  Duh.

Whitney wants to “do” Aaron’s pork loin and her chicken Parmesan (I’m hoping not literally).  Meanwhile Aaron has to redo Whitney’s chicken Parmesan and create his own pork loin dish.

Whitney is making pork medallions with pork tenderloin as opposed to the original loin.  Her strategy is to make the loin dish “petite food,” whatever that is.  Aaron will add sides.  If he can.  Whitneyisspeakinglikethis.  I think she’s screwed.  Meanwhile Aaron can’t cook and talk and know what Chipotles are.  (Yes, I know, those chipotles, but can someone ask him if he knows what Chipotles are?   Thanks!)  On the side are K and Lisa (?).

(This part was omitted because this is a repeat of Part II, paragraph Anyway.  We bring you now to the judging.  Except for “culinary school” and “berre blanc.”  Whitney knows she is in trouble because she forgot that Little Man is allergic to those things called “culinary school.”)

Aaron has 20 minutes.  He hasn’t made a Chicken Parmesan.  Yet.

He deep fries the chicken parm.

And Whitney overcooks the loin.  And proceeds to tell us that the pork tenderloin is overcooked.  For Little Man, I assume.  And she’s also cheap–she mentions how the food on this show is paid for.  The League likes her honesty.  Meh.

We now proceed to judging, in which we will alarm nutritionists of the world.  Then again, I’m not a nutritionist, but if I was I would be alarmed.

The League likes Whitney’s sauce, but not her chicken.  Aaron, amazingly enough, makes a great Parm.  Because it’s fried and it’s larger than Whitney. (Typo, but, hey, it works!)  Remember last year when JAG (if you’re lucky, you might see reruns where Fine Living spells his name out for those that forgot what his real name was) and Paul fried that meatloaf because the oven wasn’t working at Fort Dix and they knew Giada was going to eat their brains out if they didn’t finish, so they threw the meatloaf in the fryer?

It’s like that.  You fry something on this show, no matter how easy frying is, the judges will love it (by way of editing, but whatever).  Also: Paula Deen, woman of two tastebuds.

The judges, natch, like Aaron’s loin.  The judges question Whitney’s portion size and think she’s contradictory.

K thinks the frat is all talented at this point in the show.  No comment.

Little Man brought the 4 here to Beemer because of the restaurants and the “high stakes.”  Rim shot.  Drumstick breaks drums.  (Did I mention his bad stock market metaphor a few weeks back? Or, edited to add, this post with the Wizard of Oz metaphor at the end? No?  You think he should be my intern?  Because I’ll take on interns for a fee.)

Whatchamacallit is disappointed that Lisa didn’t bring her all to both dishes.  She also hates Lisa’s “unwelcoming” “intensity.”

And then Whatchamacallit asks K his “point of view” is.  If tiling in the kitchen was the death knoll of designers in the first two seasons of Design Star, then “point of view” is the death knell of Aminal Food contestants.  That is, unless you’re K, because he has some crazy guardian angels or something.

Whatchamacallit also thinks that Whitney’s pork dish wasn’t “basic.”  I guess she wants people to boil water and consider that cooking.  You know how vampires traditionally are warded off by silver crosses and garlic?  Whatchamacallit is afraid of The French Laundry Cookbook and French Laundry at Home.

All of a sudden the Blue Fairy came in and asked the frat what they wanted to be more like on the last couple of episodes or so.

Lisa wanted her professional side and her nice side to be one.

K wanted to be organized.

Whitney wanted to stop overthinking.

Aaron wanted to get an A in cooking or something

The Little Man dismissed the Fairy. “We have not made a decision yet,” he said.  I replied, “No shit!”

Judging:

Whatchamacallit thinks Lisa is still a control freak.

Bobby thinks Whitney doesn’t have experience.

And Little Man doesn’t trust K’s “passion.”

And Whitney is cut.  The judges’ blog post on Whitney @ Food Network will explode today, I know it.  And Jacob will be like “OMG you guies it’s just a reality show just breathe!”  Meanwhile I knew K would at least be in the final 3.

(If you want to go big.)

We end with Lisa finding candy corns in bed, much like her spiritual daughter.  That’s a good thing!

Next: Former frat members come back and embarrass the current frat members in front of Excalibur cast members!  Poochie’s in Beemer, even!  (Like I predicted!)  And Lisa has to pull wine from the infamous Mission: Impossible wine cabinet!  (Seriously!)

(Plug: I made the Whitney image with Aviary and a brower hack I found at Lifehacker, and I have five invites to the program if you’d like to try it out.  E-mail me at heartnibbler[at]gmail.com if interested.)

(Also, to clairify the picture, I mean that Whitney might’ve been shipped off to another Vegas hotel or a room away from taping as to not ruin who went home, a la ANTM. And under the Bobby Flay picture this morning it read “desserts.”  It’s since changed–maybe the interns finally woke up this morning!)

Today’s video from my archives, the calm before the Aminal Food storm.