Posted by: heart nibbler | March 10, 2010

Gossip Girl Theater: The Hurt Locket

Related: What Is Charles Wearing Now: The Hurt Locket

Alex, take your pill. You might need to be numb for the highlights under the cut.  And trust me, these are the highlights.  (Spoilers for the British and anyone living on TiVO time.  Also a bit of girl ass after the jump, but there’s nothing wrong with girl ass at hearts for dinner.  Finally, AUTOPLAY.  Scroll down and mute as needed, as I don’t know how to stop this crazy thing, Jane.)

A random scene of Chuck doing something.

The perfect way to pad 42 minutes of non-commercial content.  You could’ve put this picture of Ed in the show instead and it still would’ve made sense.

***

Chuck wants to keep The Woman Who May Be His Mother a secret to everyone else.  (That’s why his penis is so long, it’s full of secrets.)  He tries to dismiss the locket he is currently obsessed with to Blair, stating at one point

Immediately following that Chuck, your favorite Houdini Splicer, Toasty model, shot up some ADAM and talked about opening hotels in France.  He then Incinerated! Blair.

(Well, at least the opening hotels part was actually in the episode, but it still was crazy talk.)

***

And now, a deleted scene from Anna Karenina.

And now, another deleted scene from Anna Karenina.

…Blair purrs with a bad Russian accent into her BlackBerry.  She is dressed like she will be in a cabaret show honoring the stereotypes of Russia.  She speaks in run-on sentences.

Chuck is outside a hotel.  He is preoccupied with looking for the woman who was at his father’s grave, a woman he would’ve never seen had that meddling wench Blair not tried to send him to said grave.  He cannot attend a luncheon to help Blair get into La Table Élitare…hmm, where did that come from?

And didn’t Chuck tell Blair she was already a special snowflake and she didn’t need a secret society to feel specialer?

And for bonus points, didn’t Dawn Summers Georgina Sparks say there wasn’t a chapter of La Table Élitare at NYU?

So what chapter is Blair joining again?

I guess the Ed Westwick’s Tongue chapter.  Hello, idiot plot.  I’ve missed you.

(Edit 6/14: Okay, so Blair was starting a chapter of Le Table Élitaire at NYU in this episode.  But still, considering the sex shenanigans in “The Lost Boy,” Blair should not have started a chapter of Le Table Élitaire in the first place. Plot is still idiotic, I win!)

Before her senior year at Constance ended, Blair’s (at this point, more down-to-earth) book counterpart decided “[d]estiny is for losers….It’s just a lame excuse for letting things happen to you instead of making them happen.”  Instead, Serena, of all people, tells her this same thing, albeit in different (idiot) words.

(Even Blake Lively can’t believe what her character is saying, which is sad.)

This might be my problem with television Blair these days.

Once Anna Waldorf realized Chuck Vronsky had finally grown tired of her, at least for that moment, Anna dreamed she fell onto the train tracks of a subway in New York, her life flashing before her eyes set to the tune of “Crash” by the Dave Matthews Band, before the train crashed into her.  The ghost of Tolstoy cheered as she died.

(Not really.  She found a noticeably marked file with a photo of the locket Mystery Woman held over Bart Bass’ grave.

Thank you, Captain Obvious Prop Department.)

Blair decides to leave Chuck’s suite dressed as the Bozack Cossack.

She later whines about being left alone in Chuck’s dressed as the Bozack Cossack.

You twat, it’s your fault you looked like you went to Regina George’s Halloween party.  And Blair, invest in a dildo because Chuck is not a sex toy.  He needs food, water, hash and love.

Dan tells his father off because he won’t talk to Lily.

The Lily situation is too complicated to recap here, but this is my other amusing quote from the episode.

Shout-out to Foursquare.

No, show, you cannot get a badge.  STFU.

And finally…

As a black person, I refuse to comment on this.


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