10 things I learned about Cycle 13 by watching Tyra’s fan favorite semi-reunion fuckery, in which Rachel won a modeling contract
and Sundai randomly appeared for no real reason:
1) Accused of being a racist because you don’t know how to pick up a book and read up on the history of Hawaii before you do a photo shoot? Completely ignore the arguement, and, in a strong, resounding voice, talk of your desire to fight racism and colorism.
Bonus points: Include questionable websites in your graphics.
Even more bonus points: Not picking up a book and reading up on the history of blackface. Not knowing black people performed in blackface negates your “I’m not a racist” argument. Regardless, the audience will eat it up!
Okay, um, it’s “party time” in Tyraland, y’all. Tyra separated the audience into four teams: Laura, Nicole Fox, Erin Wagner and Jennifer. Go Team Blair! (Note: Team Blair is also a valid argument against anyone who supports Team Edward, Jacob and/or Domestic Violence Survivor Mary Sue Bella.)
2) It is only after the contestants leave ANTM: Munchkinland they get to wear heels.
In addition to nudity and horses Laura likes mud. So I fully expect her to pose nude on a horse in mud in the future.
4) Jennifer can eat nearly half a pizza in 30 seconds, which is five minutes in Tyraland.
5) According to Jennifer’s boyfriend Brian, Jennifer is
“Metaphorically…the runt of the litter.” Funny, I thought that was Sundai.
6) Nicole Fox can kill Tyra with her bare arms.
7) Nicole Fox’s fifth-grade teacher is delighted Nicole is (reality show) famous. So delighted, in fact, she’s kept a drawing Nicole made for her to show us that she knew Nicole would be (reality show) famous.
8. (Sorry I had to change the numbering–the 8 was turning into a cool smiley face.)
Erin Wagner is from a small town. It’s so small Erin has to make the corn in her local corn maze high fashion.
I don’t know exactly how you make corn high fashion so good luck with that.
9) Tyra thinks Jessica “absolutely favorite” White is dating Sean Penn.
I didn’t realize Tyra started her own tabloid journalism show on the CW.
Wanda Sue (Laura’s infamous grandmother) should make Tyra’s dresses from now on, since Wanda Sue’s dresses are much better than Tyra’s during ANTM judging. Or those horrid pantsuits. DEAR GOD THOSE PANTSUITS.