RD here, texting a recap on her phone and pretending she’s Gossip Girl for ANTM, only snarkier.

Spotted:

So we’re down to the final five, as the contestants repeat 10,000 times. After they get back to their Maui home in their “Eco-friendly” bus, a wrong guess about the Tyrant Mail is made by Laura speculating the Munchkins are going to be “sea turtles.” Sadly “sea turtles” would be better than most of their Hawaii-themed shoots thus far. Oh, did I mention that it’s Laura’s birthday? This is very important, according to Tyra, as we see Laura eating Spam, watching Erin make cupcakes for her, wearing a bra blindfold for a birthday buffet…This is very important stuff, people!

Despite being a decent judge at panel, Marisa Miller humiliates the Munchkins by making them jump in the surf and roll in the sand while on her faux Cleopatra power trip. Sadly, several of our Munchkins think they can be Victoria’s Secret Angels like her. Sorry, Munchkins, Angel wings weigh twice as much as you do–you’d never get off the ground.

The Munchkins are forced to wash the sand off their bodies and then jump off a cliff while looking “fierce” and “SMIZing.” This whole segment, along with the presence of Nigel Barker, is painful like Sundai’s eventual water-caused earache, so I’ll move on…

to another painful segment not shot on Laura’s birthday, Russell James’s underwater shoot. None of the pictures from this shoot were good. NONE. And Russell James is a decent photographer, as evidenced by his Cycle 11 swimshoot photos and his AustNTM Cycle 5 shoot in the desert. You know who I blame? That jealous bastard Nigel Barker. You know he intentionally wanted to ruin Russell’s shoot by making him shoot underwater in bad conditions so his awful CoverGirl commercial shoot would look better in comparison.

Much to the chagrin of the viewing audience, Tyra wore a blouse only a drunk, insane Hera would wear on Olympus. Much to the chagrin of the Munchkins, though, their least favorite Munchkin of the now, Erin, is not kicked off for the home audience’s least favorite Munchkin of the now, Sundai.

I leave you with Laura being shell-shocked by the smell of her bikini blindfold.

You know they’re Munchkins,

xoxo

RD