ANTM Cycle 13 Episode 4: “Stay Horrified, Appear Taller When Needed*”

*Except when standing in front of Tyra in panel.

As if appearing on this show hasn’t already put a monkey wrench in these girls’ plans to be supermodels of the world.

To be honest with you, the most exciting thing about this episode was a commercial for Nutella.  Otherwise this episode was pretty “meh.”  Even last week was more exciting because Laura blogged about it naked. Here goes something…

I think by now the models have gotten used to being humiliated more so than contestants in previous seasons.  No, the sudden villain edit to Lulu and Studio Audience Ashley, Tyra’s latest Chosen One™, does not count.

Any other season a child model from Tyra’s talk show sashaying in what used to be the dreaded Church Walk™ would be forgotten, like, sadly, Tyra’s parody of Oprah’s infamous car giveaway, “Vaseline.” But since Tyra was close to being committed in a mental hospital this season, Diva Davanna appeared in front of horrified petite models expected to imitate her walk.

J, on the other hand, was in hot mess form.  Behold:

The dress…pant…thing.

The dress…pant…thing looks like something J wore several years ago.

Now with a new, tacky, unnecessary train to it!

The Xanadu braid.

It is the braid of one of the Muses from Xanadu, and if you don’t know about Xanadu, your cave has protected you well.  I advise you to stay in it.  It’s amazing how J got that to stand up without hair cement.

The hairpins.

J hasn’t looked this trashy since his Cycle 6 runway teach (before the Aswirl Twins and, ironically, the Church Fashion Show)! Well done, J!

***

Trying to impress an easily impressionable woman who lucked out with an exclusive magazine deal with ANTM and is milking it out for all it’s worth is not really embarrassing.  And wearing juniors’ clothing when other NTMs are modeling Miss Sixty and Chanel is not embarrassing, at least in the States.  It’s wearing hideous prom gowns no other contestant has worn or ever will wear for Shoket that’s embarrassing.

***

To wit, the walk that will make you famous, when, in reality, it is the walk that makes you look like a plucked, branded chicken.  Been done, did that, snooze.

No energy? The girl has a runway walk like a chicken and the best thing you can say is she has no energy? You can tell Ann Shoket hardly gets invites to New York Fashion Week shows, and if she does, it’s either the Snuggie or the Barbie show.   And yes, Snuggie and Barbie have runway shows. 

Even being in the same room as the guest photographer was embarrassing.  If Guy Fieri is a nastier version of Super Sonic, this guy is a nastier version of Sonic the Hedgehog.  Then again, at least Sonic’s not Brian Peppers.

Even Scratch was on set wrecking havoc to defenseless, seemingly clueless little animals like the good old days.

And if Guest Photographer is Sonic the Hedgehog, this must be the remains of Floating Island. Guy Fieri must’ve taken the extra rings with him and searched for Chaos Emeralds before the ANTM cast arrived.

***

These Tyra quotes may be the epitome of embarrassing:

Tyra, to Nicole Fox: Wow, you look 5’13”!

You mean 6’1”.  Tyra.

I think we all know Anna’s response without me linking to a photo of her scowling at some D-lister at a Spring/Summer collection during this past New York Fashion Week.