(These photos from Giada’s personal site.)
I owe it to this blog that I do some sort of an update. I’m going to cave into peer pressure and do a post on the Food Network again, since my Food Network posts (especially my Sandra Lee Cake Wrecks post) and Allison Harvard posts get the most traffic here during the dreaded ANTM off-season™ (not to mention I have no opinion on any of the Cycle 13 girls, since I’m such a fashion snob). I’m not sure if I can do a 250-word review on What Would Brian Boitano Make?, since I don’t know anyone on earth who actually wanted that show to come to fruition. (I mean, other than Little Man, but Little Man doesn’t count as someone who’s in his sane mind, so I’ll pretend he doesn’t exist.) That said, I’m going to put up the post I didn’t want to initially put up–my list of things that have bothered me about Giada at Home since it aired last year. And, unlike some of my rivals, I’m not going to talk about how she pronounces things and/or her breasts–seriously, guise, you’re beating a dead horse with those Giada jokes. Come up with something new.
Then again, when I wanted to put the post up a couple of weeks ago, it probably wouldn’t have uploaded properly in my iPhone app, so putting it up today seems appropriate.
Most of the photos after the cut come from Wikipedia and/or other Food Network recipes because Food Network doesn’t have photographs of most of Giada’s recipes for Giada at Home. Go figure.
Giada appears to need to add citrus to at least one dish per episode.
Obviously not from any Food Network show EVAR.
I know Giada did this on Everyday Italian, but now it feels like “How can I make this meal special? With lemons, of course!” Or oranges. Or limes. Never grapefruit, kumquats or tangelos—they’re not Italian enough.
(Gif from fourfour.)
And now, the list of “fake” recipes
Giada knows better (except for that cocktail, but Food Network is so out of touch with the world they think their “stars” can make decent cocktails, which most cannot) than to make these recipes, which are one step up from the empire of Semi-Horrible.
Not the actual cupcake. But this cupcake looks so delicious! Giada’s “cupcake,” not so much.
It’s brownie mix. Putting prepackaged brownie mix along with walnuts and chocolate chips in cupcake liners with a cream cheese and mascarpone “frosting” does not a cupcake make. Call it what it is: Duncan Hines® Brownies with Too Much Lactose and Walnuts.
The actual “mojitos.”
I know, I know, if you want real cocktails you’re better off buying a book with 1000+ cocktail recipes than attempting anything some Food Network star is contractually obligated to put on their program. I can rant for days about how Food Network stars are clueless about the art of cocktails, but said post would be filled with caps locks and curse words. Anyway, you do not blend a mojito. You muddle mint, sugar (or simple syrup) and lime in the bottom of a highball glass, add rum and soda water and garnish it with a sprig of mint. I’m sure if you wanted a cherry mojito you’d replace the lime with cherry. And not blend the mojito, gawd.
The illustration is actually for Sandra Lee’s “shortcake russipe.”
Except for the pie crust, which I don’t think is a pan in the ass to make as long as you have piecrust basics at your home, the ingredients are homemade. But the actual recipe looks less like a pie and more like one of Lee’s “shortcake” atrocities (as seen above).
Finally, I can’t get the bad taste of the Father’s Day episode out of my head.
Not from the episode.
Okay, okay, I admit it: It’s not about food, this gripe. But I think the episode “Father’s Day Party” was going for humor when Giada gave Todd and his relatives cologne, ties and soap on a rope. Problem was this episode wasn’t all that funny near the end, since the show couldn’t spin a punch line out of those stereotypical Father’s Day gifts.
Then again, this is what happens when Food Network orders you to make a show about entertaining in the same vein as Barefoot Contessa and Semi-Horrible Cooking–forced situations, uncomfortable people (Giada possibly included) and “jokes” that bomb upon impact. Oh, well.