Posted by: heart nibbler | June 20, 2009

Britain’s Next Top Model, Cycle 5, a.k.a. the Ashley Brown Programme, Episode 9

I’m sick of the random Ashley Brown facts BNTM inserts here and there, so I’m going to list them all in one sentence: She’s a mother of two, a domestic violence survivor, a former junior tae kwon do world champion and Miss West Lothian 2009.* Oh, and for anyone searching for the American Broadway actress, this is not her.  The end.  You can come out now, Louis.  (Pun unintended.)

louis 9

Okay, rest of post.

The English girls and Ashley recreated an Agyness Deyn shoot with Irish band the Script, which is apparently BNTM’s answer to America’s Ciara shoot. The prize was a trip to see the Script in concert and hang out with them backstage.

Dear Ashley:

I know you will not be good for the rest of the year.  Stop begging for me to help you win this.



P.S.  Luv you too!  xxoo


Lisa Snowdon has been called the British Tyra Banks.  This does not mean she is Tyra Banks, as Lisa needs more “acting” skills, wigs, makeup and a legion of gay men who think they know fashion but dress like train wrecks themselves to become Tyra Banks.  In what may be the most sadistic sequence in this episode (yes, even more sadistic than making the girls cry and plead for a spot on the show in Buenos Aires**


), Lisa forces the remaining six girls to watch an old Special K commercial starring Lisa Snowdon.

pain series vol. 5

The exercise that follows the commercial screening, swimming in a pool and then eating Special K for a fake commercial, seems gentler in comparison.

Yes, even though Mecia hit her head on the pool floor.


Yes, even though Ashley ate the tasteful combination of her snot (or, as she calls it, boogies) and Special K.


Ashley likes to drink too much white wine and berate Viola.  Exhibit A:

After not winning the Special K challenge and possibly seeing her kids in “five fuckin’ weeks” on the television that hosts the cast’s Lisa Mails, Ashley got drunk on white wine again and told Viola what sounded like (Exhibit B) “Go ‘head and take your face for a shit because I do not care.  (giggle)”  The next day, realizing she sounds stupid while getting drunk on white wine, Ashley decided

Yeah, and Cassi Van Den Dungen has quit smoking in Australia.


lisa tango

Needs more geographically inaccurate celebrating.


(.gif from fourfour)

That’s much better.


cocktails.  again

I’m convinced most of the budget for BNTM goes towards alcohol.  Let’s see…I think the final 13 received a bottle of champagne upon arriving at the house.  Then there was the Miss Sixty bottle service thing.  Then there were the Icelandic cocktails and the red and white wine after those cocktails. Then Ashley and Sophie got their nails done with champagne. Then there was the Abbey Clancy bottle service thing. And now I’m including a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine for Ashley (for Mecia’s engagement) and the cocktails prior to Lisa Snowdon Trying to Be Tyra Banks.  Considering a martini in a London is between $25-30 USD and bottle service starts at $300 USD in Miami, I’m amazed the production was able to fly to famous fashion capital Buenos Aires.

soph and dais 2

Why are you so excited?  Retroactively speaking, AustNTM is flying to where you girls mostly drank yourselves into oblivion.  Read: London.  And the Australian dollar is weaker than your pound, let alone the American dollar.  Don’t you realize how cheap your production is?

jade and mecia 2

I give up.


Congratulations to Mecia to getting engaged while being stuck in a house filled with PMS-ing loonies.

Even though she couldn’t get the ring until she left the production.

*1:30 in is when Ashley gets crowned after a flat joke about Miss West Lothian 2008 taking a cab home after the pageant.  About 3:15 in is when Ashley is asked about winning the pageant, if you care.

**Okay, I cheated and included Jade breaking down after seeing her photos. But the other girls were asked about Buenos Aires except for Viola.


  1. Yes Its Me You BETCH!!! :@:@:@
    Why Do You Have To Say So Nasty Things Its Out Of Order.

    • Oh, darling, it’s satire. I’m sorry if I offended you!

  2. [...] I also like how she says she didn’t want to do dancing, like, ever again, in this clip…only to do Strictly Come Dancing 11 years later.  (For those in the US: Strictly Come Dancing = Dancing with the Stars.)  And, about one year after that, she invited her dance partner from the show to do a tango on BNTM just to inform the cast they were going to Buenosaurus or something. [...]

  3. [...] And I thought the Britain’s Next Top Model girls were crazy when they flew to Buenos Aires. [...]

  4. [...] dancers or “choirs.”  The sound people played back “The Man Who Can’t Be Moved” by our old friends The Script and that was it.  Well, except for the pink birds, but other than being lowered and raised, those [...]



Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

%d bloggers like this: