Posted by: heart nibbler | September 20, 2008

heart nibbler’s Top 10 Sandra Lee Cake Wrecks.

I came up with this list yesterday, and since I don’t have a notable adventure or another off-the-wall post to post up here but I do want to update, especially since I was working on another project from Hell, I give you this.

But first: What exactly is a cake wreck, anyway?  Well, it’s a blog. And the blog is about disastrous-looking sweets.  Like my list.

Honorable Mention: Spring Strawberry Shortcake

One of the recipe items is Bisquick.  This looks like it was made with Bisquick.

10.  No-Bake Daffodil Cake

  • Note the “No-Bake:” this cake is for those that are too lazy for a box of freakin’ Betty Crocker, Pillsbury and/or Dunkin Hines.

9. Mini Pumpkin Spice Cakes

  • …that look like small cakes with bad fondant on top.

8. May Day Centerpiece Cake

I’m not a big fan of decorating cakes to take shit off of them.  It’s fine when it’s a stupid little plastic toothpick of a car or a ghost perched on a cupcake.  You’re just wasting cake if you put a replica of a may pole in your cake.

7. Italian Wedding Cake

The decorating on this cake reads “Amateur,” not “Italian Wedding.”

6.  The Volcano Cake

It’s a science project, straight from (name of sitcom).  Except it’s 90% edible.

5.   Single-Layer Birthday Cake

Who wants to bet that a five year old can create a better cake?

4.  Tie-Dyed Cupcakes

Actual hippies and Wake Forest fans wouldn’t touch these cakes with a 39 ½ foot pole.

3.  Bloodshot Peanut-Butter Eyeballs

They’re scary, all right.  For all the wrong reasons: “blood” that looks like plastic and eyeballs that are plastic.

2.  Holiday Cupcakes (“Merry Christmas Munchies”)

Sandra Lee is the only person who can make gumdrops, Jelly Bellies and snowmen creepy.

1.  The Kakes of Kultural Insensivity

There’s nothing wrong with the Classic Holiday Wreath Cake. It’s green!  It’s red!  It has coconut “snow!”  It’s perfect for the holidays!  (But I still wouldn’t make it for others!)

It’s the other two cakes, the Star of Hanukkah cake and the infamous Kwanzaa cake, that are just wrong.

It’s not the color of the cake or the dreadful Star of David that will put you off when you see the Star of Hanukkah cake.  It’s the marshmallows that the cake recommends to put inside of it.  And if you’re Jewish you know that marshmallows aren’t Kosher.  The recipe, to this day, still does not recommend a Kosher substitute for the marshmallows.

As for the Kwanzaa Celebration Cake…fuck it, I’ll do a mini-list.

  • It looks like a shiny pink-brown turd.
  • The recipe called for acorns originally.  Yes, acorns.  They were replaced in this recipe by…Corn Nuts.  Yes, Corn Nuts, a food handed down to the African-American by their African and slave ancestors.  (roll eyes).
  • Along with the Corn Nuts, the recipe calls for apple filling inside the cake and pumpkin seeds and popcorn to sprinkle on the outside of this tacky cake.
  • And, of course, there’s the Mishumaa Saba, what the recipe calls “Kwanzaa candles,” jammed into the cake itself.

Visually, it all add up to this:

There are no words.

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  1. Wow – when is one of her “russapees” NOT a wreck, cake or not?

  2. [...] peer pressure and do a post on the Food Network again, since my Food Network posts (especially my Sandra Lee Cake Wrecks post) and Allison Harvard posts get the most traffic here during the dreaded  ANTM off-season™ (not [...]

  3. According to several sources, there are Kosher marshmallows from a company named Elyon(sp?) so this is not as huge a slap in the face as you claim it is. Just to let you know.

    • I’m sure there are kosher marshmallows, but my point is Sandra Lee knows nothing about Jewish dietary tradition–otherwise she would’ve either suggested kosher marshmallows in her original recipe or omitted the marshmallows in the first place. ;)



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