I came up with this list yesterday, and since I don’t have a notable adventure or another off-the-wall post to post up here but I do want to update, especially since I was working on another project from Hell, I give you this.
But first: What exactly is a cake wreck, anyway? Well, it’s a blog. And the blog is about disastrous-looking sweets. Like my list.
Honorable Mention: Spring Strawberry Shortcake
One of the recipe items is Bisquick. This looks like it was made with Bisquick.
- Note the “No-Bake:” this cake is for those that are too lazy for a box of freakin’ Betty Crocker, Pillsbury and/or Dunkin Hines.
- …that look like small cakes with bad fondant on top.
I’m not a big fan of decorating cakes to take shit off of them. It’s fine when it’s a stupid little plastic toothpick of a car or a ghost perched on a cupcake. You’re just wasting cake if you put a replica of a may pole in your cake.
The decorating on this cake reads “Amateur,” not “Italian Wedding.”
6. The Volcano Cake
It’s a science project, straight from (name of sitcom). Except it’s 90% edible.
Actual hippies and Wake Forest fans wouldn’t touch these cakes with a 39 ½ foot pole.
They’re scary, all right. For all the wrong reasons: “blood” that looks like plastic and eyeballs that are plastic.
1. The Kakes of Kultural Insensivity
There’s nothing wrong with the Classic Holiday Wreath Cake. It’s green! It’s red! It has coconut “snow!” It’s perfect for the holidays! (But I still wouldn’t make it for others!)
It’s the other two cakes, the Star of Hanukkah cake and the infamous Kwanzaa cake, that are just wrong.
It’s not the color of the cake or the dreadful Star of David that will put you off when you see the Star of Hanukkah cake. It’s the marshmallows that the cake recommends to put inside of it. And if you’re Jewish you know that marshmallows aren’t Kosher. The recipe, to this day, still does not recommend a Kosher substitute for the marshmallows.
As for the Kwanzaa Celebration Cake…fuck it, I’ll do a mini-list.
- It looks like a shiny pink-brown turd.
- The recipe called for acorns originally. Yes, acorns. They were replaced in this recipe by…Corn Nuts. Yes, Corn Nuts, a food handed down to the African-American by their African and slave ancestors. (roll eyes).
- Along with the Corn Nuts, the recipe calls for apple filling inside the cake and pumpkin seeds and popcorn to sprinkle on the outside of this tacky cake.
- And, of course, there’s the Mishumaa Saba, what the recipe calls “Kwanzaa candles,” jammed into the cake itself.
Visually, it all add up to this:
There are no words.