ORANGE.

Yeah, that’s right.

Before we start this blog post let me reveal a spoiler that I noticed in a general commercial advertising Aminal Food (and yes, I need to fix my tags on this blog, and that will be soon).  Hell, all of this post is a potential spoiler, so if you live in La La Land and are waiting for the show to air on Sunday, please skip this post as well.  I’ll probably post some video clip I haven’t posted in a while soon.  Come back then.

If you do proceed, today’s recap is video-heavy and not friendly to slower connections, prudish workplaces (not like you’re working today, amirite?) and Viacom.  You have been warned.

Begin spoiler:

There is a scene in said commercial with two people jumping on a bed.  And I assume those two people on the bed are Lisa and Whitney.

According to my prediction in my last post I assume Lisa and Whitney are on to Vegas.  Which means Aaron, Shane and/or K (I hope it’s K) is (one person will be cut in this upcoming episode; see last section of post) not going to Vegas.

Okay, spoiler over.  Party time!

I would direct you to LiveJournal community rachael_ray_sux (the Rachael Ray Sucks community, which gained notoriety because of a Slate article; said community began to inflate its ego and false hopes of obliterating Rachael Ray afterwards) for an early show recap but I’m not fond of that community-they’re about as “witty” as K.  Google “Rachael Ray Sucks,” “RR Sucks” or “rachael_ray_sux” if you must and look for yesterday’s episode (whoever posts a recap must get the ORANGE!  ORANGE! show at 10 or 11 AM EST unlike me), but you have been warned.

Segment 1.

This ORANGE! ORANGE! show begins with Rachael asking “Who likes to cook?”  She promises this episode will be “hot.”  (She and I have different definitions of hot because I’m not sweating.  At all.)  She explains the details (family friendly four minute food demo, blah blah blah).  We meet the judges via a picture frame flat screen TV.  Said judges are watching the finalists in an isolated room via closed circuit TV.   I’m assuming said footage may reappear on Sunday’s new episode.

For all the demos Rachael has a stopwatch to keep time (and badly and loudly, I might add).  It makes me pine for the days of on-camera stopwatches sponsored by some timekeeping company I can’t pull out of my head from the original American Gladiators. (You know, way before Hulk Hogan had to take another non-WWE job to pay the bills.)

(Quoted text is from Rachael’s site and is located in the demo links.)

Adam Gertler, who lists improvisational theater as one of his passions, hasn’t been aggressive about cooking since the restaurant he owned closed a year ago. “I’m here to make amends for that,” he says. “I need to get back in the ring and show that I’m still passionate about cooking.” His assistant, 8-year-old Shanasia, helps him with a BBQ Chicken Packed Pita.

First dragged out is K. [Video of K explaining himself (via Aminal Food) here].  After the introduction K takes a while to start the oven.  Meanwhile his Brownie works on kebobs.  He talks about some dessert sandwich that melted before talking on and on about his pita.  (The “dessert sandwich” is a bad joke that the Lazy Susan Audience of Doom claps at.  There isn’t a “Laughter” sign in the audience, apparently.)  The pita has a rub he made on it.  I am bored typing this.  (Editing this, however, was fun!)  Rachael is in his space patting his shoulder because K requested it.  She then pulls chicken for K.  Despite all her experience cooking at Howard Johnson, she still hasn’t seen this lovely (caution: very graphic) commercial from Canada:

Yes, Rachael, this could happen to you someday if you’re not careful.

The pita is on whole wheat flatbread and has cheese.  Two minutes are left.  And Rachael IS NOW TALKING ALL OVER K as she usually does with everyone else not named Rachael Ray.  She suggests a “sneaky chef” approach to food around this time–she must really like Jessica Seinfield. K builds the pita, adding spinach to the flatbread as Rachael IS STILL YELLING.  One minute.  K cuts the pita in time and asks for the brownie to drizzle a thick yogurt sauce (which looks like really heavy balsamic vinegar or chocolate sauce) all over the kebobs.  Not my kinda healthy.  The Lazy Susan of Doom Audience screams, probably because they were told to.

Oh, the demos are on the show’s website as well (links to the demos are in each segment description, since I think these will be up longer than these YouTube clips).  Yay for demos on a Scripps-owned website!

Kelsey created her own cooking show, Kesley’s Kitchen, while attending Brigham Young University. “I am the how-to girl who does classic tips and tricks with an innovative twist,” she says. Today, she will be assisted by Vemitra to make eggs with a Breakfast Banana Boat.

Next is Whitney. [Video of Whitney explaining himself (via Aminal Food) here].  We introduce Whitney and Brownie.  And four minutes begins.  Whitney has more personality than K, thank goodness.  Whitney asks for help from Rachael while whisking eggs and talking at the same time-this is a good start.  Rachael puts eggs in a buttered pan.  (No comment about this being healthy.)  Whitney tells Rachael to “pull and fold” the eggs to get them scrambled. (What’s wrong with getting a fork and scrambling them in the pan?  That’s what I grew up with, damn it.)  The Brownie (whom Whitney calls Demitra, I swear) has done nothing thus far.  Whitney grabs everything for her banana boat for the Brownie.  Finally the Brownie is allowed to put pink Greek yogurt on the boat.  Those darn kids, always ruining everything you’ve ever wanted in your life!  Whitney starts her turkey sausage sandwich, which consists of big-ass meatballs on bread.  2 minutes left.  The eggs are scrambled.   Whitney shows the meatballs to the Brownie.  The boat is ready.  A minute left.  Whitney plates.  The sandwich is built: the toasted (which is not toasted on show) bread, followed by the egg, then the meatballs, then the smooshed bread.  The Brownie eats the sandwich and likes it.  But then again kids aren’t foodie snobs and/or Anthony Bourdain.  They may grow up to be Anthony Bourdain, torturing themselves criticizing something they hate often, but they’re not Anthony Bourdain, thank god.

(Because this recap is already video-heavy, no simulated commercial breaks this week, but I promise they’ll be back next week.  But here’s an accidental bonus!

If Bourdain sees this I think he’ll be as bald as Tom Colicchio in the future.)

Segment 2.

As one of the youngest graduates of the Culinary Institute of America in New York, Shane says that he used to weigh 250 pounds at age 16, but that he lost all his weight when he started working in the kitchen. “I want people to understand that there is a way to eat lots of really rich food, tasty food, to use it in moderation and not to limit yourself.” Shane is making a variation of the classic Chicken Cordon Bleu, with the help of Francesca.

Next is Shane. [Video of Shane explaining himself (via Aminal Food) here].  Introduction.  Rachael forces Shane to not explain the dish.  As if a five year old knows what a Chicken Cordon Bleu (let alone Le Cordon Bleu) is at birth.  Shane slightly hesitates as the Lazy Susan of Doom Audience applauds, thanking them for the applause.  (I mean, he worked on All That. He should know that there’s some sort of signal that the audience applauds to. Oh, wait, this is his first appearance on a live grown-up show!  My bad.)    He seasons the cutlet and puts cheese on the Cordon Bleu before rolling it and doing a standard breading procedure, finishing with nuts.  Rachael puts oil in the pain and hugs Shane.  In a real industrial kitchen, Rachael would look like the Phantom of the Opera sans mask by now. He covers the Cordon Bleu with nuts.  (I give up on deciding what’s healthy and what’s not.  I’ll just call a nutritionist from here on out.)  The Brownie puts mustard in the pan.  Shane washes hands as Rachael pours stuff for the Brownie; the Brownie as of this point hasn’t really done anything.  Two minutes left. His Cordon Bleu is still cooking; he shows us his ratatouille AND RATATOUILLE WAS THE BEST MOVIE EVER is ringing in my ears thanks to Rachael, Queen of the Talk Show Non Sequiturs.  Tyra has to try harder next year for that award.  Shane builds the ratatouille.  30 seconds left.  Shane has to plate and he’s cutting the Cordon Bleu and I bet he’s fucked.  Rachael gets in his way (you would think she would stay out of these peoples’ ways when they’re cooking on a time limit, but no) and time.  The Brownie doesn’t taste the dish before break but she does get a kiss from Rachael (eww).

Segment 3.

In addition to owning and operating a fine dining restaurant with her husband, Lisa has a couture apron line. “I see myself as a renaissance woman — I can teach the Food Network viewer everything from cooking to crafts to how to set your table and have it look like a $100,000 event.” Lisa is joined by Hallie to make a simple steak with horseradish cream sauce.

Next is Lisa. [Video of Lisa explaining himself (via Aminal Food) here].  At the start Lisa hugs the brownie but at least she’s not cooking while hugging the kids *cough*Rachael*cough*!  We also learn before time starts that Rachael loves horseradish!  I also like the way that Barbara Walters says “mermaids!” As Lisa adds olive oil to a pan, she restates (for the studio audience stuck on the Lazy Susan of Doom), that she will not dumb down her dishes for kids.  Rachael agrees–she’s in favor of not dumbing down dishes but likes the “sneaky chef” approach.  If she ever has a child or cooks for Jade I’ll call her back and see if her response changes.  In fact the Brownie is introduced as an “executive chef.”  For the purposes of this show and my very own personal bias I will say that calling a kid an “executive chef” is better than a “consultant” because when I hear “consultant” I envision “kid attempting to make the world’s largest and poorly functioning Chuck E. Cheese.”  The Brownie makes the horseradish sauce and Lisa encourages her while Rachael is all over them.  Lisa makes the steak-it is seasoned and garlic is added.  This dish, Lisa says, would cost the average viewer $30 (Lazy Susan of Doom Audience applauds).  Lisa starts cooking the steak and explains the broccoli (which she accidentally calls ‘asparagus’).  Two minutes left. Rachael explains how simple the dish is.  I’m not rushing to type this unlike the other summaries-I like the laid-back feel of this demo as opposed to K’s dry, Whitney’s how-to not work with children and Shane’s rushed demos.  This is a good thing.  Next is plating: the steak, couscous and broccoli are plated while Rachael insists on using a “spoonula.”  (I can’t believe you can actually find “spoonulas” in freakin’ Williams-Sonoma now. Why?) Lisa loses time because she almost used a French knife to plate her steak.  She makes it barely.  As we break Lisa and her Brownie wave goodbye as the Brownie prepares to eat the steak.

Segment 4.

Aaron explains that his culinary point of view is “not being afraid to use spices. Not being afraid to jazz it up and put what makes your palette happy on the plate. Bold flavors, and making it simple.” Little Michela is ready to help Aaron make Broccoli and Burger Pizzas.

[Video of Aaron explaining himself (via Aminal Food) here].  Aaron is “very smiley and happy,” according to Rachael, who then starts yelling again.  Rachael, I will sue if I go deaf.  The pizza is being made: washing the hands before we roll the pizza, which, on a four minute demo, is a complete waste of time.  On 30 24 Minute Meals, I insist Rachael wash her hands.  On Semi-Homemade, I pray that Sandra Lee washes her hands but sometimes my prayer is unanswered.  But on a four minute demo?  This is when you use Willing Suspension of Disbelief and crank out the pizza instead!  The Brownie is dying to roll the pizza dough, but Aaron keeps flouring it.  He’s wasted around a minute trying to roll the dough.  Not good.  He next has to brown the meat.  I know he’s running out of time.  He’s moving way too slow.  But he has personality today.  (He always had personality, but whatever.  I’m using those big words Little Man wants me to use.)  Finally he’s building the pizza with tomato sauce, talking about broccoli as he’s putting cheese on the pizza.  It has to be about 3 minutes in now; Rachael has finally given up on announcing two minute warnings.   He’s really fucked.  Aaron finally swaps out.  He cuts the pizza and plates at 30 seconds. The brownie eats.  He makes the time limit but this demo does not look that good.  Except for when the Brownie takes the food off-stage.  (This is why W.C. Fields wanted his children boiled and not his co-stars.)

Segment 5.

The judges.

Bobby talks about the contestants doing well (I beg to differ) with Rachael.  Which turns into a brief conversation about Rachael and the first day of the ORANGE!  ORANGE! Show. Little Man sees the contestants come alive (I think he’s still on sleeping pills and needs to wake up).  Susie says something not as important-Whatchamacallit indeed.

The finalists are brought back out.  There’s a long spiel about the contestants performing in front of a live Lazy Susan .  Then Bobby talks about the surprise, which is announced by Rachael: the four remaining contestants are going to Vegas.  I so called this. “Whatever [non-show-wise] will stay in Vegas,” Rachael says before plugging next week’s Aminal Food.  The live finale, as also announced by Rachael, is July 27 (I haven’t really decided if I’m going to recap this part or not, since it’s just outtakes and talking with the contestants on the past season.  I’m not a big fan of this on any Bravo show that does this [although I saw the first Flipping Out reunion episode], AustBruce or this show but I’m still thinking about it).

The Brownies’ positive comments are shown before we end this segment.  And now, the burger.

That was the burger.  More fun details on Monday!  Have a happy and safe Fourth!