do not break over grill, thx

When last we left Aminal Food Tyra and her two Js (right?  Or is that Jays?)  gagged and bound our judges sans Bobby Flay (who wasn’t on the show that week, for real) on a cruise ship bound for nowhere.

The first 10 minutes are here, and I can’t really add any comments here because I was going through a personal crisis.  Let’s start with the second segment, shall we?

Barbara Fairchild (editor, Bon Appetit, enemy of Giada) gets trotted out.  The winning recipe will be in next month’s Bon Appetit. The challenge is to dumb down a dish for Food Network’s imagined cooking-handicapped audience.  The dishes are beef Wellington, coq au vin and turducken (eww).

The same duos from part 1 (see 10 min recap) have to fuck up these dishes.  And fuck it up they all do.  The next three segments are ugly.

Shane picks the Wellington.  He picks the coq for the guys and turduken for the girls.  Blah blah blah food will be served at Cafe Gray (which, ladies and gentlemen, is now closed, and I am not kidding) with more people from Bon Appetit.

We go to Whole Foods to get the ingredients, where everyone butchers words like “vin” and “phyllo” and FACEPALM.

(I credit the fine people of ED for this graphic, as it is awesome and win.  But anyway…)

Next we are in the kitchen of the now-dead Cafe Gray.  K is making something that just doesn’t wound like vin, just some grilled chicken.  The side dishes K-polenta, Aaron’s pasta-sound too Italian.  They run out of time and are forced to grill all the chicken.  Aaron says the dishes are ugly.  This should be fun…

Meanwhile Demelza (one of those AustBruce competitors that come out of nowhere in Aminal Food) had just made a cake.  It was a little ugly pound cake, about three layers of prepackaged stuff and brown frosting with chocolate doubloons.  It was served to the the Bon Appetit editors; it was thrown around the café while Demelza had a hissy fit.  The editors scoffed at her and drank Milo and vodka cocktails.  I mean, the girl had just worked for hours on such an unappealing cake.  But how can you blame the Bon Appetit editors?  They felt a sense of gloom and doom in the air!

The dish is grilled chicken with a red wine/cognac sauce.  There’s nothing coq about dish except for the fact that it was made by cocks.

Next we have the turduken.    It’s going to be a stuffed chicken with side dishes of acorn squash and haricot vert.  PIGTAILS breaks glass all over the grill.  (Attempting to open a glass jar over a grill [and the woman was banging the glass over the grill] is fail.)  The confit and the acorn squash that was have to thrown away.   The turkey is dry so the velouté has to be over herbed.  And it is not used.

“So my side dish is not on the plate” because you’re a twat, PIGTAILS.

The editors don’t like the finished dish and Whatchamacallit calls it a “cop-out,” like she eats out all the time.

And now the Wellington.  There will be creamed pearl onions (Shane) and mixed veg (Whitney).  They finish but are not confident.  The presentation is meh but the food was cooked and the concept for the dish was whatever.  The culinary school talk from Whitney drives Little Man mad.  Sadly it was not enough for Little Man to quit this show.

Can’t I just say that this food is ugly? No?  Okay.

The judges and Cora

• on Shane and Whitney-Little Man doesn’t think she has “authority.”
• on PIGTAILS and Lisa-Well, we learned that PIGTAILS looked like a twat in the kitchen!

And Lisa breaks down, and I think we’re on seven with the cry count.  If I was doing Australia’s Next Top Model I would be raking in the tears and the bitchy fits and the number of times that I could bingo the judges for bringing up bad behavior and models (together) with “Kate Moss” and “Naomi Campbell” by now.

Look, girl, you’re the Bitchkateer, not me.  Don’t look at me like that.

(In all seriousness, I credit topmodel_eps @ LiveJournal for making this picture of Demelza possible.)

Meanwhile Whatchamacallit likes PIG’s confidence.

• on Aaron and K-The dish was flavorful, it just wasn’t cock.  Au vin.  K’s polenta was nastay (Another good typo!).  And finally the judges realize that K’S FOOD IS NOT EDIBLE.  DUH.  DUH.  DUH.  And watch me go to the judges’ blog and read people shocked to hear about K’s food not being edible.  (You can see why I don’t read blogs about Food Network anymore.)  While Aaron is lacking personality.  Okay.  Charles Atlas Seal of Approval Time!

We learn that the only show that Food Network has shown ads for that is worth watching, Ace of Cakes, is having a sneak preview after Aminal Food.

And our winners (by telephoned vote, since Barbara was afraid of Giada ) are Whitney and Shane for flavor and completion of the dish.  Lisa is safe and if she wasn’t I would cut a bitch.  So is Aaron.

And PIGTAILS is gone and we have another week of badly cooked food by K. Damn, I can’t say Y HALLO THAR PIGTAILS anymore.

Next:  I hate Rachael Ray.  Rachael Ray is apparently the network’s precious jewel and you just cannot fuck her up even though I swear the woman has no concept of “personal space” in her fake-ass talk show kitchen.  That may be the reason why I watch The Tyra Banks Show instead in South Florida (both shows air at 3 PM EST here). That is all.

And if you really really miss whatever I’ve recapped and Food Network has shown so far, there will be a Fourth of July “midway” marathon starting at 3 PM EST.  I say: go outside and shoot some damn fireworks, America!  And drink some cheap American beer!