Posted by: heart nibbler | June 24, 2008

The Next Food Network Star: Not You Again

But first, your Garza Zen. You’re welcome.  (And yes, Lisa, I agree: Alton = dick.  I’d love to see him waste away and fail in a restaurant as a line chef, since he’s one of the notable Food Network personalities that has never worked in a restaurant.)

And now, the episode 5 preview, photo heavy but still fun for the kids:

I know I’ve linked to it before, but it bears repeating:

Why Bon Appetit? Most likely because:

  1. Food and Wine will probably not part with Top Chef if they can help it.  But then again Project Runway is attempting to find a new magazine sponsor for future seasons on Lifetime (why?).  (Magical Elves produces both Top Chef and Project Runway.)  It could happen to Food and Wine (I hope not).
  2. With their show on PBS Gourmet is most likely forever done with Food Network, especially since their executive chef, Sara Moulton, is a former Food Network “star” that is fed up with the current direction of Food Network…like Anthony Bourdain!
  3. Ditto for Cook’s Illustrated minus the Sara Moulton part.
  4. Either Food Network doesn’t realize that there are other food magazines out there or these food magazines do not want to cooperate with Food Network, such as Saveur (which, along with Food and Wine and Gourmet, is my favorite food magazine on the market).

The Lisa picture was highlighted for no real reason except for those humongous pearls she’s wearing.  Anyway…

“Hey, Boo Boo?  You think I can snatch those a-pic-ka-nik baskets?”

“I don’t know, Yogi…”

Cat Cora is our special judge this week, sparing us from Giada secretly espousing her hatred of Bon Appetit this year.  Also: PLEASE WATCH IRON CHEF AMERICA OK THX.

Challenge: Make dish from ingredients in baskets and then describe dish in front of cameramen.  Blah blah blah ripoff of winning the Quickfires minus immunity in Top Chef.

Well, Cat’s a bit happier than Giada was on the last two seasons of this show…I don’t know whether that’s good or bad.

“…so I decided I’m gonna do an udon noodle salad with a ginger vinaigrette, lemon chicken and beet brown butter.”


“I’m sautéing pork tenderloin with almonds and…a swiss chard, prosciutto and mangoes.”

“I am making pan-seared cod with saffron polenta and a blood orange berre blanc.”

Okay, last week’s berre blanc was okay.  This week:  Whitney seems like a one-trick pony.  We don’t always want to see berre blanc all the time.  And no, making a berre rouge is not a different sauce.

I was going back and forth getting Shane’s direct quote for his basket and I happened to stop on this.  Does this not scare you America?  Don’t you feel the satanic fire behind those eyes?  No?  Then you need to watch more America‘s Next Top Model.

Actually this picture is better with Real Whitney over Fake Whitney’s head.  I think it’s the smiling with the eyes in Real Whitney’s photo that Fake Whitney doesn’t have.

“I’m making a flank steak with some cumin, um, a puree of the avocado and the anchovy with some roasted garlic, and then making a compound butter with habenero peppers.”

See?  There’s a sauce you can use, Whitney!

“…so I feel like [a] salad is the way to go.  (I’ll) make a red wine vinaigrette and, uh, (how to) grind the turkey, let the shitake mushrooms have a lot of the flavor…”

…whatever that is.

Ask Rachael Ray!  She still thinks verdant means bright!

Aaron is making a chocolate strawberry shortcake.  Yum.

Oooh, surprise twist: The frat can’t describe their own dishes, they have to describe an assigned competitor’s!  Or as Lisa puts it:

Yeah, something like that.

The frat is given 90 minutes to taste their new dish and describe it.

Cora: “One important note:  Be specific.  Words like delicious, amazing, great won’t help you.”

Um, Rachael…

Whitney almost doesn’t get the name of the steak right, fails to name the butter compound correctly (and gets scolded by Shane…


and describes this dish as “a burst of flavor.”

From a few paragraphs ago, Cora: “One important note:  Be specific.  Words like delicious, amazing, great won’t help you.”

Also you should know your sauces Whitney!

Shane is nice to Whitney’s dish; he says it has a flavor of the Mediterranean.  Cat likes his energy and how he talked about the flavor combination.

K calls Aaron’s dish a “Napoleon.”  This is a Napoleon:

(photo swiped from

Also this is Napoleon:




Stop eating so damn much of the food on camera, twat!  This is not Everyday Italian where Giada can keep eating and the camera will fade out on her.

Cat says K took too long to warm up and wrap up.

I can’t believe that Susie Whatchamacallit and Little Man want to keep a man who makes the sloppiest display food known to mankind.  No, not Aaron.  The guy who made Aaron’s dish.  Aaron hesitates and starts slowly when he describes K‘s dish.  Cat notices this.

…which has just gone out the door.

Texture: joyfulsong @ LJ.

Font: The King & Queen.

(Something Awful internet meme, sorry.  Although I think I should’ve went with FGSFDS. If you are offended by near-pornography, don’t click these links.)

Lisa has a setup: her tag (here if you missed it), describing the technique and a closer that she stumbles on.  Cat thinks this is fake.  You missed Whitney a few episodes back, Cat.

Your blood’s boiling right now with that evil coming at you.  Right?  Right?

Lisa thinks PIGTAILS cannot describe her dish.  Lisa’s right:  PIGTAILS calls her food linguine, gives us a porn star-ish laugh and she doesn’t know anything else in Lisa’s dish.  Cat notices.  Also see K criticism on eating too much damn food on camera.

Our winner is Shane (finally).

Blah blah blah “tougher” challenge.  And…scene.


  1. [...] The first 10 minutes are here, and I can’t really add any comments here because I was going through a personal crisis.  Let’s start with the second segment, shall we? [...]



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