Yeah, who’s this guy on the Studio B placard?

And that’s only the first comment!

Lisa looks poofy today…

I want to speak kindly of Tyler Florence. I do. I mean, he even taped Shaq’s Big Challenge at my school, being that he was an alumnus of the now defunct Charleston campus. But after his comments on Bourdain and Ruhlman’s awards show @ the Wine and Food Festival, I can’t.

Choke on it again Little Man!

The first challenge is a “technique video” on culinary skill. Exciting. The winner will be on FN next week teaching us how to maim ourselves in the privacy of our own homes. Exciting. Yay. Woot. Whatever.

BEST. COMMENT. EVER.

Adam K G is given an artichoke to break down. Tyler, cleanliness expert that he is (did you see his head shot? Yes, head shot) says that Adam K is sloppy.

Aaron is given a pineapple to break down. He doesn’t finish because he doesn’t, according to Tyler, “Cook. And. Talk. At the same time.” (That’s what it sounded like!)

Whitney is given a rack of lamb to french.

Yeah, exactly what I was thinking when she cut through the rack.

And the piece that she did cut from the rack was not clean. At all.  Yet Tyler liked it. Huh? I must be from another planet, then.

Shane has a coconut to break down. Tyler thinks he seems clueless but likes his energy.

Nipa has to clean squid.

Look, dude, Nipa wants our tongues to fall off with her vision of Indian food. You think she knows something about squid? Amazingly enough Tyler didn’t think Nipa sounded like “an authority.” Look, dude…

Only the best quotes come from Dominique’s mother. Only the best.

Anyway, Lisa has to truss a chicken…sorry, “chick-en.”

In all seriousness, this is not how you truss a chicken. (expecting comment from Lisa about my critique here) But isn’t this trussed chicken great? The only complaint from Tyler is that Lisa is not looking in the camera. But not how wonderfully trussed this chicken is! Come on, Tyler!

PIGTAILS has to shuck oysters. She repeats “I HAVEN’T DONE THIS IN A WHILE” and gets scolded by Tyler for saying this.

And our cry count is up to 6. Shit, I should start doing a cry count on America’s Next Top Model…wait…

But Tyler likes her personality, so…why don’t the judges?

Whitney wins…what? I don’t trust her to french anything!