When last we left Aminal Food, Giada was all

Dominique had yet to get her Snickers bar and Cory was cut because the “selection committee” (who will now be known as “judges” for their stay at hearts for dinner) didn’t find her funny or amusing like Dominique’s mother.

Also Dominique is still not impressed.

Some thoughts of the 10 minutes I already recapped:

I had an epiphany.  The sous on Hell’s Kitchen (who are probably forced and/or paid to wake up the contestants on certain episodes of said show) aren’t as obnoxious as Robert (who will be now known as “Dick” throughout this recap and his stay at hearts for dinner) Irvine and the Pot that Wants to Be Knives.  Or Paint Cans. 

(How ‘bout that Design Star, y’all?  The contestants have to build a house in one week.  This should be better than this show!)

On the USA Weekend issue: Upcoming?  How about six months from now?

When in Joisey, cook on a train.  Which prepares you for Poochie’s Big Bite IV!

NO NOT ANOTHER SEASON OF DOWN HOME W/THE NEELYS!  NOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Dick flubs up again, referring to the judges as “the committee members.” Self to note: MUST.  CHOKE.  IRVINE.

So the advantage is cooking first (wow.  [rolls eyes])  and the challenge is cooking for the judges, Irvine and 30 other unlucky bastards on a train.  Hmm…sorta feels like that episode of Top Chef (Miami) where the contestants had to cook for the judges, Bourdain and Continental employees on a docked plane.  Or The Next Iron Chef where the contestants had to cook for the judges on a docked Lufthansa plane.  YOU NEED KNIVES, PPL.  And the Chairman.

Gray (the first team to meet Dick at the train station, where the “So the advantage” paragraph has just taken place) decide to do something with eggs.  Which are runny.  And will be raw.  They put the raw egg on top of French toast.  Which is, like, 1000 eggs too many.  All while bitching to each other.  Meh.

Kids, if you ever need to serve a brunch for 35 people, don’t put poached eggs on a menu.  On an a la carte menu where the eggs are poached to order, fine.  But not 35 people all at once on a cake you have to cut. Can any of y’all say eww?

Aaron’s food will “make your mama crosseyeded.”  Okay.  He also gets major points for not agreeing to rob a train literally.

And Gray’s dish doesn’t look too appetizing, but Aaron’s steak is better than Dick’s food.  Or so I assume.

And now we have the Blue team.  They have lamb kebab which includes a spice blend FN has to explain, a romaine lettuce salad and moar French toast.  I thought Lisa could see the future like her daughter…wait…

Well, you did say you were the Saleisha of Cycle 10.  Don’t front.

Lisa has to whip cream by hand because she ran out of crème fraiche.  But she gets it done.  And that is why she should be the next winnar of Aminal Food over current “fan favorite” Whitney Kelsey.

(On the “fan favorites:” 1) To paraphrase Hung in Top Chef [Chicago], you’re not here to be the fan favorite, you’re here to win.  Amirite?  2) Seriously, Aminal Food is straight hatin’ on Top Chef, though.  Who’s copying Top Chef now bitches? [site might require log-in])

Shane stumbles with his speech to the crowd and I still don’t know what Lisa is selling me.  Shane = nervous.  According to the judges.  Well, I’ll only agree with Flay but not Susie Whatchamacallit and Little Man.  The judges like Lisa’s food (and speech?  Whut?) but not anything else from Blue.

The last team, team Whitney Green has crostini, bread pudding and Whitney Kelsey’s duck breast salad.  And they’re screwed because they don’t have olive oil for the team.  Boo the fuck hoo Whitney Kelsey.   Also they run out of plates.  Smart team, eh? 

Culinary school =/= inability to plate food in time = Team Whitney Green’s speech = fail.

The bread pudding is tough and unequally distributed, the judges like Whitney Kelsey (wry?) but not her duck, and Kevin suxs, food and all.  Hilariously he’s “confident.”  Bye the fuck bye Kevin.

Most of the complaints are already listed above but here are some others:

• Specifically Kevin’s crostini is too sweet and the “romance” is lost on the Little Man.
• Blue’s menu was not as coherent (allegedly) as the other menus.
• Shane’s salad is too wet and Nipa’s 1) kebab is too hot and 2) Dick has the nerve to question why Nipa is on the show.  We’ll not go into Dick’s illustrious career, but it’s all here on Wikipedia, safe from his vandaling ass.

Nipa gets butthurt and leaves.  Thanks a lot bullies judges.  A comment from her: “I didn’t want to cry in front of everyone.”  Wuss.

Whatchamacallit: “We’re rooting for each and every one of you [contestants].”  Riiiight.

And now the show has turned into a Very Special episode, complete with faux drug addiction, pedophiles, the theme from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and Lisa.  This show is about being out of your comfort zone and listening and hazing, apparently.

Nipa comes back!  Nipa comes back!  Can I try to flush her down the hoooooole again?

The winners are Lisa and Aaron—they’re safe and Lisa’s hot ass is in USA Weekend.

(See “The bread pudding” paragraph for loser.)

Seriously this show is too damn predictable. 

Nipa’s “on warning” according to Little Man.  “If a FN star did that it would be their last show.”

If I was in charge of Scripps programming this would be the last show.  Choke on it Little Man!

(One more note: The photos of Dominique are from Reality Remix on Fox Reality.  THAT SHOW IS FUCKING CRAZY!)