Originally I was going to gripe about the awful hair seen in what may be the worst season of Shear Genius shown to date but I hit a writer’s block.  On the same day I taped Shear Genius with my intent to talk about the bad fantasy runway hair (two words: TITTY BRAID), I also taped an episode of That’s So Raven—“The Big Buzz,” to be exact.  This particular episode, through its casting of Susan Lucci as Ms. Romano, a psychologist and an “unsuccessful” zucchini grower, lampoons Lucci’s long journey to win a Daytime Emmy for her role of Erica Kane in All My Children, right down to the orchestra trying to play her off when she finally won said award.

Then again, the satire comes at the expense of some of the wackiest plotting this side of Bewitched (the show’s trademark).  Let’s count the crazy, shall we?

with Veronica Sawyer

Played by: Christian Slater

Text after the jump since it contains spoilers galore for Heathers.

Played by: Taylor Lautner (Twatlight movies)

Birthdate: January 14, 1990, according to the Word of the most insane God (age 20)

Oh, great, just what I needed after I encountered a stalker vampire– a jealous “shapeshifter” who wants to kill my vampiric child creature thing, only to decide he wants to let it her live…so he can “imprint” on her and watch her grow to 17-hood because she’s his soulmate or something.  Don’t you dare stick your tongue down my throat or I will cut it off (or Charles will come rescue me,* whatever happens first).

By the way, what kind of werewolf are you, anyway?  Don’t you know you’d probably collapse under your own body weight like a 50-foot ant would?  No?  You don’t care?  That’s you if you someday find your eyes being plucked out by 10 vultures.

*Because he’s now a gentleman who saves other people from rape although he was an attempted rapist himself. Don’t get it twisted.

with thanks again to Cracked, although I don’t think Edward would be killed by Italians for being “gay,” and Intellectual Debris

Because of the below, I will see you next week with another entry in the Bad Valentine series. Snow in NC = serious stuff.

When I originally did this recap I put it in a very mixed Monty Python metaphor. Considering a lot of the Pythons’ humor (humour) is based on British social classes in the 1970s that post was bound to spiral in the wrong direction.  I wanted to make it up to that post and redo it, albeit with my own strange humor rather than the Pythons.

And now, the absolute last Take London ever.

After the jump, Top Model Thanksgiving fun and bad acting.  Cue DRAMATIC BOOM sound.

Character name: Edward Cullen; born Edward Anthony Masen

Played By: Robert Pattinson (movies)

Character birth date: June 20, 1901 (age 104 [books], 108 [movies] and eternally 17)

Excuse me, you sparkly freak, what are you doing in my bedroom?  It’s bad enough I had to endure a night with Charles Bass and now you’re here.  My blood doesn’t smell that good, you know.  Since you’re a byproduct of the Church of Latter-Day Saints I don’t think you want to have sex with me—I don’t think you even want to suck my blood.  What kind of vampire are you if you only want to drink animal blood?  You’re not a vegetarian, you’re a borderline zoophile.  In fact, I shouldn’t be telling you this.  You can read minds, remember?  Can’t you see me doing the censored Janis fuck you sign from Mean Girls in my head?  You do?  Good.  Now fuck off.

Okay, you’re still here.  This is…awkward.  I know what you’ll do to me—you’ll be the abusive boyfriend I’ve always had nightmares about.  You’ll prevent me from seeing my friends.  Since I don’t already have one, you’ll give me a truck so you can fuck it up and I can’t use it, say, to haul furniture from Target with.  You’ll threaten to commit suicide so I can come back into your cold, dead arms.  And then you’ll turn me into a vampire so you can marry, impregnate me and give me a C-section via fangs so our improbable vampire hybrid spawn thing can live.  That is, if we ever had sex and I got past your pillow biting.  Now get out before I break a chair and fashion a stake out of it.

And you’re still here.  Why don’t you follow me outside where we’ll sit by a bonfire together?  I promise I won’t toss you in and make you kindling.  I pwomise!

***

Since reading the Kindle excerpt of this literary fuckery was painful for me, this was written with the help of:

• The Twilight Series is Awful – Really, Really Horribly Awful
• Twilight – A Rant
• Cracked.com
  
• what do you see in him again?
• & the Wikipedia article on vampire traits
  

I’m still working on my next entry in the Bad Boyfriend series, Edward Cullen, but I never expected my home life to spiral out of control the past few days.  I’ll put myself on a schedule and get that done.  Also, sometime next week, I’ll completely redo an old ANTM post I did and hunt down any entries I used imeem with and replace them with YouTube links.  But in the meantime, I made this: a mash-up of Gossip Girl (the massage scene from “Rufus Getting Married”) and soundbytes from Bioshock. Watch it now before Warner Bros. takes it off and declares it not fair use.

This is what happens when you swear Sebastian Stan looks like Jack and you start pretending Chuck is a Toasty Splicer.  Maybe this one. I dunno.  I’m weird like that.

I think we all know about that horrid tie-in book, America’s Next Top Model: Fierce Guide to Life, by now, but if you don’t, here it is. The book was so bad I declined to write about it myself here and instead wrote a short review on Goodreads.

I highly doubt anyone knew about this other tie-in book, a “handbook” for ANTM. Unlike the overpriced Fierce Guide to Life (list price: $24.95, according to Amazon) or the list price for this handbook ($4.99 for about 40 pages of content, stickers and a few pages of cardboard, once again, according to Amazon), I paid $1 at my local Target.  The only reason I saw this book was there was a piece of plastic in my cart I would’ve never picked up if Target had at least 25 shopping baskets in store (they never do) and I risked my life by throwing away the plastic in the trash can opposite the $1 section of the store.

Since I don’t want to get in trouble with Modern Publishing, the people who made this book, by posting too much of the flimsy book’s contents on hearts for dinner, I’ll go over the highlights.  Plus: a video under 90 seconds after the jump.

So I noticed my good friends Chuck and Blair are still Getting Crap Past the Radar.  The following is the Thai massage sequence from “Rufus Getting Married.” Of course, there’s the first problem of this episode, the following quote:

Blair: What is this? It’s wonderful!
Chuck: Buntautuk. I learned it from a master in Chiang Mai.

(Buntautuk, for reference, so you know Chuck is doing it wrong.  Also, Chiang Mai.)

Unless it was around that time Chuck got stoned on opium and his uncle Jack had to save him, I have no clue when his character found the time to go to Thailand by himself to learn massage.

I’m still working on what exactly I’m going to do with this:

Yes, I aquired a copy of this fine book, and I will do terrible things to it.  That should be up later this week, and if I have to push back making fun of a certain sparkly vampire, I will.

Anyway, I was about to leave Target, having picked up Mean Girls after 10,000 years, when I saw a display for Giada De Laurentiis for Target items.  Since I was in a rush, I quickly scanned over the display with my iPhone.  (You may have seen this video on my Twitter or my Tumblr blog, but here it is again.)